Too much time alone is a bad thing...

So its labor day weekend and there are a total of 4 people in my entire Hall. Me, Mike, Corey, and Beth... This is the problem, I think that I have a serious case of ADD this weekend. The last two nights I have gone to a party and the Pi Lambda Phi's frat house. The first night was good because I went with Mason Ryan and Chrissy so I had a blast.. Plus I really like spending time with Ryan so it was nice to get to see how he is around his brothers... Well last night when I went the three of them weren't there and I still had a good time, I was able to hang out with Dan who is a good guy.

I am really fucking bored right now and to tell the truth spending all day alone with nothing to do, allows for ones mind to wander to once blocked thoughts... I have spent the day absolutely miserable.. I tried to watch some movies to take my mind off of things but the only movies in here are chick flicks and so that made me feel like shit because they are all about love and all that bullshit.... And I spoke it is apparent how alone I really am... Then wired thing is that this is the first night that I haven't had some sort of male company, not necessarily in a a romantic or even physical sense though there has been a few of those... But even when I have some guy next to me I am not happy it just feels like there is something missing something that is so important that no guy here has held my interest for more than two days. Well except for Ryan but I haven't held his interest from the beginning so it doesn't really matter all that much.

I have this theory..

Men chase woman until they are caught. But then get rid of most of them when they are caught.
this is the problem. Woman adapt to one of two ways of behavior after being constantly treated like that... Either they take on the non-commitment characteristics of men jumping from guy to guy becoming known as a slut. Or in an unconscious thought process becomes a Dick Tease gaining yet another bad reputation. There for. There is nothing that a woman can really do to stay on top of the game the men made up...

I hate men right now.....

Two Months Later...

Ok so yes, I have been avoiding my journal for quite some time now. There is however, a reasonable explanation. I have not wanted to write about my summer strictly because then I would see in print how fucked up it has been. I had been working my ass off to afford college, not even my first choice college but the safety instead. Working at Ruby's was kicking my ass. Pulling 16 hour days and having no time to just sit on my ass and do nothing.

About a month ago I came to the conclusion that there is not one decent person on this planet and also that I suck at life.... I don't understand why hurting someone can possible be justified in any situation, especially when it comes to a family member. What I think is worse is that Luke just sat back and let it happen. He found out about me and Andy, and what happened. I don't quite see how my older brother can possibly think that I would ever "want" to sleep with Andy. Not only is he a complete asshole to me and the entire family he is just plain gross. When I told Luke what really happened he said that it was not possible and that I was just stupid and put myself in a bad situation. This is where my problem lies. Even if for one instant I was all about having sex with that jack ass. Luke allowed his best fucking friend to use his baby sister for sex. That pisses me off. I have all of my 18 years up until that point saying no waiting for something worth a damn and Andy just fucking brushed that aside not caring... I fucking hate him and even more, I hate Luke for ever thinking that I would do something like that. He abandoned me during a time when I needed him to protect me the most and I will never forgive him for that. I haven't spoken to him since I left that night and I don't think I will want to for a long time. I have gone through a lot of shit in my life and I definitely didn't need to add this to the fucking pile.

I will continue my rage filled ramblings later when Corey doesn't need his computer until then I am gunno go sleep and by the grace of God not wake up...

Since when is independance a bad thing?

I don't get it, so many guys have told me absolute horror stories about how their girlfriends are so clingy and annoying... a common trait girls seemed to inherit through the generations... But I myself, am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, all that I want from someone else is respect.

I was told that in being so independant, I have allowed the romantic side of me leak out... (apperently I am a fucking water baloon) but this is my question, why is it that I am labled as cold and hard hearted just because I dont need a guy to buy me roses? Dont get me wrong, I like gifts from someone who cares about me... But if someone really cares and knows me, than they will know that I would much rather someone write me a letter for no reason and send it to me in the mail...
That conversation really bothered me, because now I am analyzing whether or not I actually do have some sort of romantic side, and if I dont, does that mean that I am not one that guys would want to date? I am utterly confused as to why a girl that would like to go to a sports event with her boyfriend or sit around and play cards is worse then a girlfriend that demands so much the guy does nothing but work to win her... GAH
someone explain how it all works to me, maybe I missed a step...


So, to change the subject a little. I met some HALARIOUS guys at work tonight! one problem... WAY to old for me... the "younger" of the two is 31... but oh so good looking... haha we talked for hours when I got off of work.

Oh and I am also in charge of all the marketing for one of the services at Ruby Tuesday... Its called our Curbside To Go, so I spent all day going to local businesses trying to sell it... The guys at Belle Tire were very interested! That makes me very happy lol.


well, I was at work from 830 this morning until like 8 tonight so I am going to catch some Z's. Good night all.. Well, anyone who actually reads this...

Morning

I hate the morning, I am sure that sounds bitter and mean, thats not it at all. Its just that well, I have to go to work and take on a 12 hour day, and let me tell you. thats not always the funnest thing there is to do... and well. I cant wait! well my hot manager might be working so the day may not be a complete bust, oooo, now I am kinda excited. See ya'll later...

I feel like being in a list mood. So this is a list of the qualities my Ideal guy would have... If only dreams could come true...

1. Good listener.
2. creative.
3. Cultured.
4. Independant.
5. Intelligent.
6. Ambitious.
7. Someone who would call just to hear my voice.
8. Someone who tells me that I am beautiful and means it.
9. Someone who would find out my favorite movie and even if they don't like it, rent it and watch it with me.
10. Someone who will try to cook me a nice dinner even if they can't cook.
11. Someone who would make me a CD of all of the songs that remind them of me.
12. Someone who would remember every thing that I have ever said to them and thought it was important just because I said it.
13. Someone who will sit in the park and read my favorite book to me while the sun is setting.
14. Someone who will take my little brother to a hockey game or watch him at one of his soccer games even if I am not there.
15. Someone who will color with my little sisters when I am in the other room or sit on the floor and watch cartoons with them.
16. Someone that will hug my mom.
17. Someone that will hold my hand in front of my older brother, knowing fare-well, that in his mind he is thinking of the thousands of ways to cause that boy pain.
18. Someone who will be patient with me when he wants to take the relationship the the "next level" but knows that I am not ready
19. Someone who will come to all the gatherings with me and my friends.
20. Someone who will ask my brothers and my father if it is ok, that he dates me, and if they say no, do it anyways because he cares about me that much.
21. Someone who will push that one strand of hair that fell over my face, aside so he can gaze into my eyes.
22. Someone who will show up at my job with flowers and a card with a little note in it.
23. Someone who would take me dancing even if he hates it. But knows that I love it.
Someone who doesnt have to talk about my secrets, just knows they are there and that I will share them when I am ready.
24. Someone who knows that there are quite a few boys that would like to date me and never takes me forgranted.
25. Someone who can feel comfortable being around my family and talking to them when I am in the other room.
26. Someone who would like nothing more than to spend hours walking along beach with me, just listening to the waves.
27. Someone who would read every word I ever write and tell me the honest truth about it.
28. Someone who will read this journal and not be judgemental about any of the entries.
29. Someone who will tell me that I am cute when I am wearing grubby jeans and a hoodie with my hair pulled up in a messy pony tail.
30. Someone who can take these things and think of new ways to make me smile...


"I'm just so tired won't you sing me to sleep and fly through my dreams so i can hitch a ride with you tonight and get away from this place have a new name and face I just aint the same w/o you in my life" - yellowcard

Good bye to the smell, goodbye to the camp-fire... Good bye camp...

Driving up today, I had to roll down the windows, it was raining but I didnt care, taking a shower in the car, all that was running through my mind was a picture show of all that have happend in this small area of land.
the first thing I saw was the Ultimate Frisbee feild... I remember last year, Zack Thomas, Dan and Brian Paff, David Haskell, and Ben Foster... After a hard game of ultimate would line up for back rubs, sitting on my lap, still all gross, I can feel the moisture in my hands, I wasnt grossed out then and I never will be...
Car pushing a bit farther, I notice the Tear drop. so many times a group of us would just go there to think and talk... I can hear Bryan Brown, playing his guitar for me. I can see the same stars I saw the night it was just he and I... his voice floods my eardrums.. His deep soft beautiful voice... "...meet me where I am.. Shake the dust off my hear till it shines again, shine the light in my eyes till I'm blind again.. Ohh run me through the fire till I'm refined again... Oh faithfull friend.. Meet me where I am..." I can feel the same soft touch of tears on my cheeks as that night he and I sat there. driving past the Tear Drop I realized the irony and laughed... slowly passing the huge trees that know a million secrets, I listened carefully hopeing to hear one that I didnt already know.. No luck. I know most of them but the ones I dont are just for the trees.
when we parked, I just sat there for a minute, a different path from my usual jump out of the car attitude.. I just sat, listening to the rain that is continuing to fall atop the hood. Getting out, my legs feel numb, like I am a scared child not knowing were to go next, though I know... I know all to well. I could find my way around the acres with my eyes shut, but finding my way to the path at the minute, was impossible. I took some breaths and started walking. walking down the path I remembered the year that they added woodchips, some kid was running down the path and fell.. He was right in front of me. And though it shouldnt have been funny when there was a woodship stuck in his leg, I laughed because he did. After what seemed to be more time then the actual drive there, I made it to the black top. looking around things were sad, the place was deserted, dirty and I could see no love fumigating like I could all the years prior... knowing full well that Reed would always be there, I looked up for assurance, some guidence. But the giant bell was gone. no where in sight. red faced I went inside to the Great hall. It still smelled the same. of hugs and tears and kisses and laughter. The reason that I thought of it that way is because if those things had a smell.. It would be the Great hall at camp. I walked in to see banners from years past, every year every session. All there. the one made the first year I was at camp was directly in front of me. I was amazed. The felt, still holding togather like it would stand through anything. The wood floors still creeked when I walked from the Great hall to the hall and through the hall a wood band played, and new note hit with every step. the Big red counter had been re-painted, the same shade but the fade was gone, the chip from when someone had slammed there clip-bored down to hard was fixed. The nurse used to stand his ground there so that pills could be despeced. The lobby looked axacty the same. the couches all where the are sposed to be as if they were bolted down for safety. the brown cushions were dented and beaten down. they served as a resting place for so many people. I remembered the time I was sentanced to the couch for almost two days, it killed me. but Joe and some of the other councilors would sneak me food from the kitchen. I walked to the drinking fountain forgetting the taste that used to make my face twist, rust. It hit me squar in the face today...
the dinning hall didnt have the camp food smell, and all the chairs and tables were pushed to the walls. it was sad, I longed to see the table with the words 12 / Grad M with and Cassie as the fine print. I had become an honorary member one year. Chuck, the councilor only allowed me to sit there, and I did at every meal, I was just one of the guys, but the cute one... I went for a walk down by the dock. I remembered the swimming tests that we had to take every year, and the buddy bored, we could never go in the water alone. I hated to swim because all of my friends got deep, and I wasnt a strong enough swimmer so I was always confined to intermediate. I hated it, So instead of mastering how to swim, I mastered four-square. I was the best one year. lughing to myself, I casually wandered up there. looking around the court was faded to almost nothing, I saw the damage to the roof that wills "Cherry Bomb" left. and I laughed. I went farther in my thought provoking walk, I stumbled accross the owl cage and the cabin that I lived in for about 4 years in a row. The bathroom that we had to walk to in the middle of the night, and I remembered how much I resented that then, but now I would do anything to live there for a week. I walked down to the fire pit and thats where I lost it, I saw the thurday night that we all sat around the campfire, all 150 or so of us and just listened to Bryan's sweet voice, and sitting there I took hold of Dan Paff's hand and just looked at the sky, many of us that night saw a cross in the clouds and as time went on, saw what looked to be a body, we were out there until all hours of the night... The Cross that was put up in the memory of Samantha Popkey was gone and will never be put up again. She died on her way to camp one year, a year that I was not able to attend. I only heard about it after. I saw the stack of logs that were pushed aside, and I thought of all of the people that I sat with in those spots. I heard every camp song I knew all at once. The faces always change, people come and go, but the stories that place holds will never fade away. I drove away sad, I will miss that place and all of its memories.


I was able to see some people that I havent seen in years, but I cant write about that right now. When I heard that there was going to be a new camp, I was not excited, but I wasnt angry either. I didnt think it would change the "atmostphere" of camp. But driving away tonight, windows down, breathing as deeply as possible until the very last second. I realised that I will have to tell all of my secrets to another set of trees and I dont want to do that...

Work.. BAH

So yeah today, I worked a double, I got to work at 8:30 this morning, Bah, and decided I didnt feel like working since I dont do anything until 11 anyways, so... I took a nap in one of the booths, it was nice until one of the kitchen guys found me and tried to feel me up... Sick.
I made a new record for curbside tips though, that was nice, as soon as I clocked in at 11 I had a HUGE order to ring in, it was like a hundred and 10 dollar bill, that was fun considering I have only done curbside a few times... but I made like 15 bucks or so off of it, so that was nice, then I had a 7 dollar bill and made like 3 bucks, so all in all with 2 orders in a 20 minute time span I made 18 bucks, I was pretty happy, but then it was all down hill from there.... I spent the rest of the time prepping food for the cooks being groped every 5 seconds, yucky... it wouldnt be so bad except the guy is like 36 and yeah, he could pretty much be my dad.. Sick.
the night shift sucked except for well, I met someone... he was really cool.. I have never given my number to anyone that comes in (though some do ask) but I gave it to him. He also gave me his and I fully intended to call him tonight to see if he wanted to get a bite to eat at Denny's (how romantic) but when I got home I couldnt find it, I remembered that I put it in the pocket of my work shirt and left in such an excited rush, that I forgot to take it out... I went to Denny's anyways, hoping that he may call or show up, but no dice... Gah
I also found out that my regular 3rd shift waitress is giving up the night life for the blinding sun lit shifts, gar. that makes me sad because now I have to break in a new waitress/waiter... thats not fun.
She explained why and though I fully understand it still kinda sucks, I like her. I mean why else would someone go to Denny's just about every night? She told me that her schedual was not mixing well with the stresses of raising two kids and that the other day she fell asleep on the couch with her 5 year old, well he woke up and wandered outside... Scary..
next on my list of things to talk about.. I started a new book tonight, its called Boy Meets Girl... It was givin to me by my over-protective big sister. Ha. Its about waiting until you are ready for marriage to date and not get committed with anyone until you want to get married. Though I think that this theory worked for the author, I find it to be bunk.. I cannot justify that comment until I give the book a chance, but so far.. Bunk.
I am driving to Battle Creek tomorrow, that will be fun, I get to see some friends that I havent seen in over a year, I cant wait. well. I am really tired concidering I didnt get out of work until about 10 o'clock tonight. and I have had less than 4 hours of sleep every night for the past like 3 weeks. Gah.
so I am going to say aloha to anyone who decides to read this...
I hope that he calls me...

This what I saw last night...

As I look at the sky
I can't help but hold my breath
For as the air leaves my body
The gorgious sky may just as easily fade away
The sun is setting
I don't want to blink
I don't want to miss it
Pinks, reds and blues rush higher and higher
Into the skiy
Racing to the top
Still holding my breath, I watch
The blues get darker and the pinks turn to purple
Then black
When I finally Exhale
My breath wisps into the sky
As if that same breath airbrushed the sky with stars
Some time has gone by now
I am still weary of blinking
My eyes are becoming heavy
So I will close them and sit in this wonderful safe place
I know all is right
I slowly loose conciousness to the outside owrld.

Feeling sorry for myself...

Lately, I have been feeling well, to put it bluntly like shit. I feel like my life is going nowhere, now, a mid-life crisis is a normal check point in the lives of many, but not someone who is 17. I am stuck. I am stuck in my writing, in a dead-end job. I am stuck in a family that thinks about as much of me as a bumb on a sub-way.. (all they want is money)
I dont really know where to go at this point.. This is probably one of the stupidest things I have ever thought about. but I am entirely serious. I will be starting Ferris in the fall, and yes that is a step up from living with my "don't-give-a-damn-family" but still, what pretell is exciting about Ferris, not that it isnt a great school to go to thats not what I mean, its just. I want to travel the world and see things that people only dream about. I want to be a world famous writer, writing novels that cant stay on the shelves with super glue... for some reason I dont see that happening, at least I cant picture it as well today as I could yesterday.

Tim gave me my graduation present the other day, I am pretty sure I wrote about it. but anyways, I was thinking about it yesterday and I got kinda upset, what if I dont make accomplish all that I want to? I mean I know that everything in the world cannot go as only I plan, but really, my dreams are all I have. If they fall through, what then?

I will be 27 years old sleeping on my mothers couch eating Captain Crunch in my "down-time" thats bunk... Gah

I guess I am feeling like this because I am being a coward, I usually do that, when I get scared about something, I just pick at it until its dead and the threat of falling short of perfect is gone. I dont know if anyone else does that... I kinda hope not, because I usually get nothing accomplished when I have that train of thought..

as I said before. Gah. I hate thinking all of the damn time!

So the other day I was at the park, just taking pictures and writing a little, I do that alot. well any ways, I saw this little girl running around, with the biggest smile on her face, she was the cutest thing. as creepy as it sounds I kind of kept my eye on her, because I wanted to write about what she did. how she played stuff like that. so this is what I came up with.


Higher and higher she soared into the air, all fifty pounds enclosed in her skin rising up off of the swing as if she was weightless. Rushing backwards her think black hair flying in her face so that she can barely see. Her legs straight out in front of her, suddenly she pounds them into the air violently in an attempt to climb higher. She just swings for a while, back and forth in the warm breeze. Then when the swing begins to slow she jumps off, hitting the ground with a loud thump atop the weather beaten woodchips. Running to the field with her arms out stretched she stopped dead. Peering into the sky all I see is a large smile on her ivory white face. Her nostrils twinge with the scent of burning leaves.
Slowly she sits down in the field, the grass around her beginning to turn yellow. Then just as slowly she lays back and watches the sky. Her eyes follow the floating clouds. I can hear her giggling yelling, "Look that one is a ship, that one looks like a flower!". For five minutes she just watches in amazement. Then the young girl sits up and reaches for a flower that was sticking out of the grass, she softly handles it as if it were a person, a baby at that. Then she begins to pick the petals off one at a time, blowing them out of her hand so that the wind can take them to new places. This girl is beautiful sitting in the grass with the sun in her hair; black at first glance but now warm reds and gold's fill her head. She is bundled up in a scarf and gloves along with a sweater to protect her from the grasping wind. She is moving again, running to what seems to be her mother, she leaps at her and holds her tightly around the waist. That striking smile covering her face once again. They slowly walk away hand in hand. The girls keeps glancing up at her mom, she has a happy glow about her. Then they disappear into the distance.



Nothing great or wonderful, but I thought that it was pretty cool. but yeah I am a loser so I am gunna go now lol

Wow, yesterday was my open house, it was pretty cool. A lot of people showed up and were there for me, it was good. I was kinda bummed though because a few people that told me that tey were coming didnt actually show up, but its ok. I am over it.
My family all went in on a gift for me... Its a kick ass Laptop... I cant wait to get it.


Ps.... For those of you leaving comments that I dont fully understand, I think it would be better for you to just talk to me about it rather than leaving some Bunk comment.... I didnt ask you to read this, so if you have beef with me, just move on and find someone elses journal to snoop through. well instead of beating around the bush I will just say it. Andrea, I didnt ask you to read my journal, you found it by chance and I would prefer that if you are going to be so judgemental on a life that you know absolutly nothing about. that you wouldnt read my journal or comment on it for that matter.... thanks

I was looking through an old notebook of mine, and I found a little note from an old friend, I started crying, yes thats right, I cried. This is what it said.

Dearest Cassie,
What would this world be without you? You are the sunrise in the east and the setting sun in the west. You are such an incredibly amazing person and I will love you forever and ever until forever ends.
Love,
Greg.

The reason that I became emotional is because, I can't figure out what it is that he saw in me. Yes at times I can be funny and somewhat intelligent, but for the most part I am just me, there is nothing about me that makes me any better or worse than the next person. Yes I have experienced a lot in a short life time. But I have not had to work through something unbareable, like many that I know. I have never had a life threatening Disiease and survived. I am not an honor roll student, I am just average. Why is it that he saw something about me that was special but along with everyone else, I dont see it? Wow, what a trip.

My heart was black, I didn't let people in, I didn't wan't to let people in. In fact, I may have hated all humans. My heart was dead and, either I or someone close to me allowed it to happen, and I didn't really give a shit about it.
Then something wonderful happend. I met Tim. He showed me that people can be wonderful, I just have to be careful. He taught me that I could survive life and be ok.
We were at Denny's again last night, he gave me my graduation gift. I fought back the tears barely victorious. He gave me a journal, and though I have had journals throughout my life, this one was different. I could see my life's story poring out on the page. I can't wait to get started.
Well, I am going to start getting ready for work, I have a headache so maybe I will take a quick nap too! :)

I have been writing a lot lately, I dont really know how good any of it is. I am going to share it soley knowing that no one ever reads this, so I may feel like I am opening myself uo and sharing with someone else. But in all reality I know that no one cares...

When you breathe
Everyone becomes wrapped in it
Anything that curiously wanders in your path
Soon feels nothing but chaos
You are unpredictable
And mysterious
You are wild
And in control of your destiny
At times, the cold you posses
Sends chills down a million spines
And yet, your times of warmth
Make many feel at ease
If I had the power
To be as free as you are
I would run havoc over the world
Nothing could hold me down
I would dance with the blue
Foam covered waves of the oceans
And run
With the wild mustangs in the desert
I would be calm one day
Soft and comforting
Then loud and uncontrolled the next
Moving rapidly
I envy you
I am jealous of your wonders
I want to be you
I want to be the wind


Shattered
Left behind in
The old building
Some kids
Thought it would
Be funny
To throw
Rocks
Against my fragile body
I can see inside
Couch is a mess
Torn and tattered
Housing bugs
Trash
All over the floor
Mice too
I can see the outside as well
Cold
Damp
There are no kids playing
No laughter
I see no end to the pain
That the rock
began

Just some stuff that probably doesnt even make sense. Thats my life in a nutshell though. No one ever understands.

I just got back from the cemetary. Andy's tombstone was beautiful. I got there at about 3:30 and it took me about 45 min before I could write him in his journal. The tears are still falling. I miss him so much. I can't understand why God would take someone as beautiful and genuin as him away from the world. He was going to make a difference in this mest up world. I wish that I could just see him one more time. Hug him once more. Just tell him how important he was and still is to me. I think about graduating and going to college in the fall and to be honest I am not as excited as most, this is because I wish that I could share it all with him. God, I miss him so much, I feel like a part of me dies when I think of him. I wish that this pain would just go away. I know that if anything I should be excited about all that is in front of me, but I feel like I dont deserve it the way he did. He was something bigger, something amazing and I am just me.

Wow, It's definitely been a while since I have written, I am sorry to those of you who have commented and received nothing in return.
I stopped by Andy's moms house today, I was hoping to catch her, no luck. My stomach was in knots in the car though that's for sure. I left a note hopefully she will get it.
I got my tattoo for anyone who cares. That's why I wanted to see her. I wanted to show her that her son inspired me to live a life that most would cringe at and succeed. It may sound silly but I still think of him every time I get scared to try something, and his voice just pushes me forward. I miss him. Graduation has been hard, I think about him a lot and what he would be doing next year and stuff like that, he would have been wonderful at anything.

This is my formal good bye too all of the things that I will miss and be glad to be away from. I will miss sitting in the hallway with my friends laughing about nothing and everything all at the same time. I will miss the looks on onlooker’s faces when I decide to randomly meet someone new. I will miss Friday nights with the group. I will miss Detention even though I hardly went. Its not my fault their was an orphan on the train tracks! I will miss pulling the all-nighter on a paper due the next day. I will miss Family Fare Friday’s.
I will miss the reaction I got from the "cool kids" when I write an editorial they all hated. This is good-bye to all of the teachers that didn't really appreciate me all that much.
Good-bye to Mrs. Poll, the only teacher in the world who could've made BIT even remotely fun. I think that you are an amazing teacher and I wish you the best in everything you do. Good-bye to all of my friends I wish you the best in everything you do, Tim, you just might save the world someday.
Good-bye to the inside (and outside) jokes that I will remember always. I will miss the girls who would give me the evil eye in the hallways; you brought a lot of humor to my daily life. I will miss the boys who wouldn’t talk to me because well, I don’t look like a Barbie doll. I want to say that I will miss becoming an honorary member of Miss Ross's seminar, and Justin, I will always be president!
I will miss the long talks of high school drama and the fights at the lunch table. The gossip that the lockers seem to hold. I will miss my third hour adventures with Kerri and my bonding time with the "Media Specialist" in eighth hour.
Good-bye to all of the criticism thrown at me this year, you have been put to good use thickening my skin. Good-bye to worry of being disliked, I should have dropped you years ago.
I will miss talking to random people and making a new friend, every one should step out of the box and try that, its fun and even if you never talk to the person again, you wont look back 10 years from now and say, I wonder what would hae happend if I had just said hello...
The most important good byes are to my newly acquired friends.
Tim, you have taught me that fighting for what you believe in is the best thing to do, and you have showed me not to be a coward. Remember New Years Eve, Going to steak n' Shake, trying to get clothes on and off lol. Don't forget the bird that got loose in the halls and being the animal rights activist that we are we tried to save it. Remember our smoke breaks after school and "Our Entree" at Denny’s.
Stephanie you just make me laugh, all the time, you have showed me that humor can be great therapy. Remember Driving home from Spring Lake at like 2 in the morning… and the creepy guy at the bon fire… Remember wrestling in the halls just because we could.
Justin, well you have taught me that though it is good to fight for things I care about, it can also be good to just sit back and listen. I still think that we should date lol ;) Just kidding. Remember our bonding time with Tim at the Band Concert? Fun… you are the first (and last) person that I went to Homecoming with… my only real date to school dances, thanks bud.
Josh well I still have a huge crush on you and always will. Thank you for always being there to listen when I needed you.
Heather, you are going to change the world with Tim some day. You have definitely changed mine. Any time I ever get Pizza Sticks, I will think of you.. I am so glad that I met your sister the second day of school, because if I hadn't I would have never met you… thank you for sharing Jamie with me at prom when my date was a complete tool!
Kim, keep smiling it brightens the world, and that is a wonderful quality. You have been there when I needed you. Don't ever let that one boy treat you badly or any boy for that matter, because I might have to kill them. One year at Western, after that, it is you and I at some cruddy community college! WHOOOHOOO!
The hardest good bye is for Emily, my best friend, I never expected to meet anyone that was almost exactly like me, lets face it, I am pretty weird. You have been there through every tear, laugh and sneeze, thank you. Don't ever change who you are and what you believe in because even though at times we may disagree, I have become a better person for knowing you. You are an amazingly strong young woman who will dominate what ever you wish. I will always remember BK (2 Double Cheese Burgers only mayo and pickles), Here’s yer sign… Did ya get yer truck stuck? Nope I was delivering the over pass here and I ran out of gas. Shake that little thang.. I will remember laughing at work, no matter how stressed we both are. Our western trip, and the momma tiger that almost tore peoples heads off. Don't forget these things either. I love you.
We are all going our separate ways, and I know that in ten years we may not even speak any more, but I want all of you to know that for the first time in my life I have made real friends, and I will always be around for all of you. Thank you again for making me into who I am this year. It's because of you all that I will survive life with a smile.

Dear underclassmen:
Those of you that strive to be popular and accepted… Don't. It is a waste of time and energy that could be best focused on something important. Don't be ashamed of who you are and where you come from.
In order to justify that comment, I must tell you that this year has been nothing short of an adventure for me. I am new to the school this year and knew no one when classes began. The reason that I am blatantly stating how important it is to be comfortable with yourself is because when the year began I was not and it was very difficult of me to fit in. However, as the first few months of the year went by, I made it my personal mission to meet new people and develop a social life… surprisingly, it worked. I randomly went at sat at a lunch table and have been sitting at the same one (with the same people) ever since.
As high school students I think that the junior high cliques that still exist are ridiculous. There are select groups of people at Zeeland that think they can decide how everyone else should feel about himself or herself. Well I am here to say that is bunk. To you underclassmen that admire the "cool" seniors, don't, my guess is that in a few years they will be working the night shift at Wal-Mart.
In a few years, the "hot" girl that every one wants to be or be with will end up with the same amount of wrinkles as myself. That :gorgeous" guy that is envied by all will probably end up with a gut that made him look like he ate Kentucky, and patches of what used to be "great hair" missing from his shiny scalp.
You guys have all seen the movies, you know how they end. Those kids that get picked on and strive to be anything but noticed end up being rich and famous, and though the memories of high school may still be painful, their beautiful family and seven cars make it ok.
I have been to about seven schools in my life, and I have never been to one that is as cliquey as Zeeland. I walk down the hall and see gossip fumigating around the building, its sad. Reputations tarnished over nothing but accusations and assumptions. Kids standing in the busiest part of the hallway, too good to move out of the way.
So once again to you underclassmen, don’t waste your time trying to duplicate someone that could quite possible be the biggest jerk in the school. Instead, start your own path leading people away from the judgmental, hypocritical, snobby school that we are presently in.

Is age just a number or is it much more than that... I have suddenly found myself in one of the most confused stated of consciousness ever. I have always been against those people who date others that are like 5 or 6 years too old for them, but then I met Jeremy. He is funny, and smart and cute and more of a gentleman then any guy I have ever dated (put together) I want to see him every second. I listened to his voice mails at least 4 times. And I could stare at him for hours. He makes me feel warm and fussy inside... Gay sounding I know but he does.

Yes, I am a loser. But I am content with that.

Ok, so life has been kinda crazy lately.... but I managed to find time to take/ develop my photos... they are pretty cool... now all i need to do is put them in a portfolio and sell them lol. but i already have at leasts one buyer so i am good... well i have to go thats all i have to say for now... i am sure i will write something later tonight when i have time to sort my thoughts...

Prom is this Saturday, I am not that excited, Tim wont be there, and though I want him to be happy, I really wish that he would be around. But if I had to make the choice that he has made, I would do the same thing. I am going with Eric, I hope we have fun, but I don't know if we will, I don't know him very well. But he seems like a nice guy. I thought about asking Dustin, but the more I thought about it, the more I decided against it.

I cant remember if I wrote about Jason and I breaking up, but we did. I cried. It hurts a lot to think that while I care about someone, they are only in relationships for sex. We never did (THANK GOD) because if I would have slept with him. I would have been crushed even more than I am. I don't hate him, but I am really hurt by him, maybe its because of how much I cared.

I miss Fish, I had a dream about him last night. He is wonderful, I guess opened his concert with the song that he wrote about/ for me. I want to see him so bad, it is killing me. I think about him all of the time, I am not sure yet whether that is healthy or not. He is so wonderful.

In the past few days, I have met/ hung out with 2 guys that to be perfectly honest, I am not very interested in, it seems however that they (A and J) are interested in me. A says that I am intriguing and that he wants to get to know me and J thinks that I am a good looking girl who he would like to date. (actual quotes) but the problem is that the guy that I am "interested" in at this time, (E) well he isn't the kind of guy that ideally I picture myself with, surprisingly A is... But I seem to really like E and think that he is great, however though he knows I exist, I can tell that he is not one who will want to show me if or that he is interested in me. So this is my confusion... Was I acting different when talking to A and J then I was when I spoke to E or is it purely a difference in tastes.

I have decided once again that I enjoy the single life, and though I have said it a million times, I do not want to settle down. As whorish as it may sound, I would like for someone to be there physically. I am an affectionate person, but refuse to bounce from guy to guy. That is the only aspect that I would like to take on from a "relationship" Dustin is there, but I don't know how I feel about going back to that situation though, I haven't decided if I really miss him as a person or I just miss kissing him.

Gosh, I am a whore, I should most likely just go to hell now so that the people that I know and are friends with are not doomed to my same fate. I feel like a terrible person because I complain about my "physical needs" or whatever. But the thing is, I really don't want to just hook up with stupid people, if I am with someone I want it to be emotional and meaningful. I don't care how stupid that sounds and I am sure it does. But oh well


any ways... About my dream last night, I had a dream that Mike came to see me for the day and that he brought his guitar and just played for me all day and then when it got dark we just lay outside and listened and watched the stars. Then we kissed. I don't know if I should feel weird or bad about that dream, I am sure that it will never happen, he has got way too much going for him then to think about me. And I don't blame him. But I really do miss him and I wanted so badly to kiss him before he left but I know at least I am pretty sure, he likes me in the good friend/ sister kind of way. And that kinda makes me sad but happy at the same time. I just am so lucky to know him. If makes my life Richer.

I am in a list kind of mood...

Top 10 songs:

Iris - Goo Goo Dolls
Black Baloon - Goo Goo Dolls
Help - Beatles
Sugar Magnolia - Grateful Dead
Perfect - Simple Plan
Truckin' - Grateful Dead
Flavor of the Week - American High Fi
Million Dollars - Barenaked Ladies
Crash - Dave Matthews Band
Sattalight - Dave Matthews Band


Top 10 Foods

Cereal
Easy Mac
Brownies
Spaghetti
Salad
Sea Food
Hamberger Corn Bake (Family Meal)
Chocolate Chip Cookies (The Soft Kind)
Steak (pre-vegitarianism)
Oranges


Favorite Books/ Works of Literature

The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Modoc
The Fuck Up
Dont Sleep With your Drummer
High Fidelity
Catcher in the Rye
all Harry Potter's
A Mid Summer Nights Dream
Brave
Star Girl
Ordinary People
Where the Red Furn Grows


Classes: NONE
Favorite Mood: Cynical
Favorite Color: Orange / Purple
Favorite Season: Summer/ Fall

I dont know why this s even remotly important, but I just felt like doing it. so there

Quote of the Day.

"In a weird way, I am excited for the memorial service tomorrow.... Sometimes they make really good punch." - Tim

Last night, Tim and I were at Denny's and it was freakin hilarious, we got "our Entree" (we cant say the name, its too weird) but we were just cracking up, I swear, sometimes I think that kid and I share a brain. We told all the servers who we are and that we were going to be regulars and that we wouldn't say the name of "Our Entree" and they all were like "Oh that's great, we will be glad to have you!" it was so freakin funny. And we went on Monday night, and for some reason the manager gave me my food for free, it was AWESOME!

I just want to say that lately, Tim and I have been spending a lot of time together, and its really cool. I feel like I can tell him anything and every thing. And because we are both Satan.... (long story) I don't have to worry about him judging me. We have just gotten really close lately and it makes me feel good.

Well I am eating Lasangia and I dropped some on my key bored so I think that I am done for the day. MmMmMmMm.... Food

Some times I look around and I have no idea why I am on this planet, I dont know if there is something that I am supposed to do. I saw some old friends at the movie theater the other day, it was like I knew them but they had no idea who I was. when I spoke to them they just didnt seem to give a damn. Then I saw him, someone I thought I knew, who I mistakenly thought was genuine and real, but the thing that I realized is that, most people are not either. People want to uphold their images makebelieving that they are something they are not, allowing others to think the same way.
I realized yesterday that people do this to manipulate life, getting theirs and only theirs.
That sucks.

I sat down with Luke last night, I told him everything, about Terri, about the drugs about every thing, i don't think he believes me, but the thing is, I don't care. Not many people have seen what i have seen and experienced what i have, i wish every fucking day that i could take it back and not have done any of it. But i cant, i have to go through every day seeing things over and over again. These things will never leave me, never. I want my childhood back, i want to be young and naive and not know what death is, or pain and sadness. i want to laugh at Saturday morning cartoons and not thing that they are stupid. i want to wonder what its like to kiss a boy and anxiously wait until i know. i want all of these things back all of the things that were ripped away from me before i was ready.
I told him about Collin and how i just watched him die, i just watched while he was on something and i was so fucking scared i didn't lift a finger. He died, and even though nothing that i would have done would have saved him. i should have done fucking something. But for reasons that are beyond belief i didn't do a damn thing.
No one has ever said it better than Dickens, It was the worst of times, it was the best of times. I never understood that until now, looking back, seeing myself the way i was and what i learned. i hope to God that i end up completely the opposite as i acted last year that's for fucking sure.

I don't understand why people through away a good thing. Luke's girlfriend went to Cancoon over spring break. She cheated on him. I don't know what justified this in her mind because in my opinion, Luke is one of those guys that girls dream about being with, he is such an amazing guy. I know that I compare every boyfriend that I ever have to him, and even if they are close, if he doesn't like them then they are gone. It just kills me to see him hurt though, he has been through so much in his life and he doesn't deserve to feel any more pain. I wish that I could just take it all away for him.
If I could take his tears and feel the heartache that he feels right now I would do it so that he doesn't have to. I just want to smack the shit out of that stupid bitch.
The thing that gets me is that, I haven't seen Jason in over a month and I have never once thought about cheating on him and this bitch couldn't go two weeks, what the hell does that say about her. That she is a fucking moron.

Yeah so, Jason was going to come home this weekend and surprise me, at least that's what his family said. He said he wanted to ask me something, but he doesn't want to do it over the phone. I wonder what it is. His friend Mark said that I was hot, but I think he was just being sarcastic. Who knows.
on Saturday night, Em and I went out. We had a blast well up until Chris friends all wanted to be pricks. But I really like Chris he is a sweetheart, and he just worries about Em.
before the drama though we went to grand haven to see Jason's family, I cant believe that she met them, that's so freakin great. I would've been way to nervous to go by myself. Its not that they scare me by any means, I just want them to like me and I am afraid that they don't. But I love his family. They make me laugh and Kayce says we are getting married. haha. Jason said that it is very important that his sister likes who he is dating. So I think that I am safe there.
she gave me some pictures of him. They make me happy. I have one of him and his dad in full uniform. They are so handsome. Well anywho. I don't know what else to say except that

Well its been a while since I have written anything, kinda crazy because there is so much that has been going on. I will start with the most exciting, I got my acceptance letter from Ferris and I am starting in the fall Aug 25th to be exact. I wont even be 18 when I start classes and that makes me laugh, it will only be 3 days but still, funny! So yeah I wonder what my roommate will be like, I hope she is cool. I don't want to be rooming with some whose rents are paying for everything, well unless she can take me out to the club with her LOL. Anyway. I have no idea what the hell I am doing when it comes to college, I don't know what I should bring, where I am gunna get a J.O.B. or what classes to take, not to mention I wont know ANYONE. which surprisingly that part is ok with me because I love to meet new people and make new friends, but I usually know at least one person. But who knows maybe it will be alright.
The second thing is that I am now taking pictures in journalism for the year book and paper. Its pretty cool I am learning to develop and what not. I just got a new camera so its fun.
Em is amazing I am so glad that we are friends, we are exactly alike, its nice, I miss that. It is nice to have a friend that is a girl who isn't a "girl" if that makes any sense at all LOL. All I know is that she is wonderful and I don't know how I am going to go to college and not see her every day, but I am stoked about school and I cant wait. ahh...... Well night to anyone who reads this. Dream Pretty.

Wow, that's all I can say about last night. He came home for one night only but it was amazing. He is wonderful and I think I could be happy with him. Wow...

Tonight, I was sitting outside smoking a cigarette and I just started crying... Out of no where. Then I had this image of Andy and me sitting in his living room when I was about 11 watching Congo, eating cheesecake. Then we were at school talking a few years later. Then I saw him and jay skate boarding. I just cried. I don't know if thinking of him made me cry or the fact that I realized today that I probably will not get into college. Or the fact that I cleaned up the house today and the only comment I heard was wow the kitchen is a mess. I don't know what strange forces in this world make me feel as though I am nothing, but its a hard thing to deal with.
I should be over the moon happy, Jason is coming home in two days and I get to see him and laugh with him and hold his hand and kiss him. And yet I still feel sad today. Damn am I sick of life sometimes.

Yeah so, last night we were talking on the phone, we were saying good bye quick and he said the "L" word. This is my dilemma, was he just saying it because he thinks I want to hear it, did he not mean to say it, or does he mean it. The reason that this is hard for me is because I have never said it to anyone who was not family, and even some of my family. The problem is that I said it back, and even though we are new at this kind of relationship I can see myself really meaning it down the line. He is a great guy and aside from the fact that he isn't a virgin pretty close to perfect.
I am sure I sound like some boy crazy teenage girl, but I have only really truly cared about 3 people, not even love, I just cared about them a lot. The first one was Ben and I did love him as a friend, but I told myself that it was more, then D. came along and I cared about him so much it hurt, I wanted to be with him more than anything, and I was blinded by that feeling and let him treat me poorly. now there is.. Well for the sake of sanity I will call him John... I have known John for years (he was my first kiss at almost 16) well for the past few months I guess we have been growing closer and closer, now I cant honestly say that I am in love with him. But I can say that if it were anyone else's voice that woke me up at 2 in the morning when I have to be in class at 7, Id be pissed. But all I want to do is talk to him as long as I can.
I don't know if this is love, I have had a crush on this boy since I was 13 years old. It could be nothing but pure lust for all I know. But there is one thing that I know. No one has ever sent chills down my spine with one kiss until now.

Its a funny feeling to have my soul aching, I have had a stomach ache, head ache, hell I have had an arm broken three times. But today, my soul hurts. I want to go to bed and not wake up. What is different today than any other day? I don't understand. This is one of the most unbearable pains I have ever had. I don't know if it is because people have been trampling my spirit or because I have finally hit the end of my road. I am starting to dislike life. I made a promise to myself and Andy after he died. Carpe Diem. That's what I said, out loud the night I found out that Andy's life had been stolen from him. I told myself I would let no one steal my life too, in fact I was going to live for both of us. The problem is, I don't feel like living. Andy is the lucky one, he doesn't have to deal with every day dramas, bad reputations, heart break. Things that may seem insignificant, but can ruin a person.
I want to be 5 years old again, not knowing that my parents were fighting, and going to get a divorce, not knowing that my brother would one day turn to drugs to make his soul feel indifferent instead of hurt. I wish that I didn't know that my little brother was going to grow up to be a "player" and probably get a girl in trouble when he is 17. I wish that my dad was around. I wish I was 5 again when I saw my mom smile, before I knew it was fake.
I wish I could go to school and not see how people claim to be and what they really are. I wish that I could eat square pizza every day and not get sick of it. I wish that I could play tag on the play ground.
but most of all I wish I would have known that when you are five, that is the most honest with yourself and others you will ever be. There is nothing to hide at that age, and any lie is transparent and no one will judge based on stupid things. And if they did, it really didn't matter.
5

My eyes. My eyes are the only thing that link me to my past, these eyes have seen everything, every detail. The scary thing is, that is a hard thing to disguise to make eyes that have seen everything seem well, curious, like every thing I see is a new wonder. Something else to learn from. It is very difficult to shade the pain in my eyes with a blink or hide the suffering with laugh lines. But I try. And I am getting quite good at it. My one fear however, is that someone will look in my eyes, not at them but in them. And they will see the picture show of my life and they will know, know about everything that I have never spoken about. This is my biggest fear. Not even that they will reject me after figuring it all out. But the opposite of that, that they will ask questions that I cant answer for myself. that they will say something from a Hallmark card like "I will be thinking of you" or "I understand your pain, you can come to me" because the truth is, no one can understand, not until they have seen what my eyes have seen. So now I will go into the world with my eyes faintly covered, giving no one opportunity to look into them.

Sometimes, when I look around, I cant help but laugh at people. Not the kinds of people that everyone else laughs at I laugh at the so called "normal people"
this one kid sits on the freakin garbage can every day and all these girls crowd around him. That to me is hilarious all of these girls are marveling at this kid, who will prolly grow up to be nothing, that is if he ever grows up. They look at him like he is the ninth wonder of the world and yet he has no depth, I would be surprised if he could spell wonder.
the funny thing to me is that its not just these few people, it seems like almost everyone I meet is really shallow and superficial.
I think there is one person who I have met and feel is completely 100% genuine and that's Samantha, she is just one of those people who like myself don't give a damn. Em is like that too but Sam is just herself all of the time, she makes her own clothes, listens to whatever no one else is listening too. She is not afraid to show her individuality. That to me is awesome. I think we are going to start a Zine, that would be the coolest thing in the entire world.

I got my hair cut last night, its weird, but I actually like it. The woman was supposed to trim it but instead she cut it all off! Well of course not all of it but its short. Well, here's the thing. I feel like a new person. Not just because my hair is cut but because something inside of me has changed lately. I like it a lot. Until it begins to wear off and I turn back into negative bitch. Oh well.

I stayed home today, I felt like crap. I cleaned the ENTIRE house, and as soon as she walked in the door all she could say was, well did you put something on for dinner? How great is that? Oh well.
also heather stopped by today, her parents hate me apparently, I don't know what I did to make them hate me but I guess it was bad. Oh well I am over it.
I wrote a 4 page essay for British Literature, I wanted to shoot myself. Well there is really nothing going on in my life today so I am going to go to bed. Night

Yeah so I have had this one freakin song stuck in my head all freakin day! its Hook by Blues travelers and because i have had it stuck i am going to put it down because this is usually the thoughts that run through my head so why not the songs too!


It doesn't matter what I say
So long as I sing with inflection
That makes you feel that I'll convey
Some inner truth of vast reflection
But I've said nothing so far
And I can keep it up for as long as it takes
And it don't matter who you are
If I'm doing my job then it's your resolve that breaks

Because the hook brings you back
I ain't tellin' you no lie
The hook brings you back
On that you can rely

There is something amiss
I am being insincere
In fact I don't mean any of this
Still my confession draws you near
To confuse the issue I refer
To familiar heroes from long ago
No matter how much Peter loved her
What made the Pan refuse to grow

Was that the hook brings you back
I ain't tellin' you no lie
The hook brings you back
On that you can rely

Suck it in suck it in suck it in
If you're Rin Tin Tin or Anne Boleyn
Make a desperate move or else you'll win
And then begin
To see
What you're doing to me this MTV is not for free
It's so PC it's killing me
So desperately I sing to thee
Of love
Sure but also rage and hate and pain and fear of self
And I can't keep these feelings on the shelf
I've tried well no in fact I lied
Could be financial suicide but I've got too much pride inside
To hide or slide
I'll do as I'll decide and let it ride until I've died
And only then shall I abide this tide
Of catchy little tunes
Of hip three minute ditties
I wanna bust all your balloons
I wanna burn all of your cities
To the ground I've found
I will not mess around
Unless I play then hey
I will go on all day hear what I say
I have a prayer to pray
That's really all this was
And when I'm feeling stuck and need a buck
I don't rely on luck because...

The hook brings you back
I ain't tellin' you no lie
The hook...
On that you can rely
- Blues Travelers

Tonight, while I was driving I saw an accident. For a split second, I wondered what it would have been like if it were me in the smashed up driver's seat. Not because I was thinking about death or anything,but more thoughts of my family and what they would be thinking. I just wonder if all of the things that bother them about me now would seem as significant if I were to get into some sort of an accident. I kind of wish that I could so that maybe they would learn to appreciate me.

I try so hard to help with the family, but it seems like the things that I consider helpful, they consider bothersome.

After I drove a few blocks past the accident, I started crying, I hope that whoever was in that car had a family that loved them very much.

I have decided that it is really hard for me to "participate" in life without being negative. I think this is because, well when I watch people, they look so fake, they smile about nothing like idiots. I hope that not everyone is like this but I notice a lot of people are. For example, yesterday I was in a store, and I saw this couple holding hands and kissing a lot I just thought that it was wonderful, but then when I was leaving I saw them in the parking lot and he was yelling at her and pulling her toward him and she was yelling back saying "leave me alone" I just think that it is not fair to pretend to be happy, because then people look at you, like I did with that couple and for a moment I wanted to be them, and have someone like that around. When I saw them out side however, I got mad because they made me analyze my life over a lie. I really hope that every one isn't like this, that thought makes me sad.

HAHA LASER CONSMETIC SURGERY

The smoke from my cigarette rises up through the air. As I watch it I suddenly get jealous. I wish that I could rise above it all. all the sadness and pain. Yesterday V. came into work, she was drunk, all I could smell was the alcohol, normally that wouldn't bother me. But that smell brought back images. images of him over me laughing saying things like "you deserved it you whore, you had it coming." that smell, I never thought about it before, but whatever it was, it was what he was drinking that night. I had to go into the bathroom and throw up.
tonight wasn't much better. We drove to my dads today, I don't really want to be here, its not my dad at all. I love being around him when its just he and I but when every one else is here it makes it really hard. I know that I am a strong person, but when my entire family is pulling together to pick out all of my bad qualities, it makes it hard. I can take it when a few of them are at it, but when they know that I don't really want to be here in the first place it makes things difficult. I don't know why I let them get to me. I just don't know what to do anymore, I cant wait until I am off on my own and I have the choice of when I want to see my family, and believe me that probably wont be that often. I don't hate them at all, in fact I think that's why its so hard, because I would never make someone I love feel like total and complete shit, but they seem to do a damn good job. As I said earlier, I wish that I was smoke that could just float until I fade away to nothing.

So, Dustin and I are finished. For good, I have decided that I will not let him make me feel inferior any longer. (or anyone else for that matter) He didn't mean to make me feel that way, but that only made it worse. I can say that I am definitely looking to start fresh, possibly just be single for a loooong time and date who ever I want. I am not going to be a new age slut or anything but I want to have fun, with out waiting for the phone to ring and someone to say we are doing this tonight. I want to set my own path and be able to drive around town for hours listening to Grateful Dead repetitively. This is my life and I want to live it. If I want to go sit at the local coffee place and read as many books with the word fuck in them as I want to. I am sick or people telling me how to look, how to speak, what to watch or read. I am thoroughly surprised that now one has showed me how to breath. (sigh)