Its a funny feeling to have my soul aching, I have had a stomach ache, head ache, hell I have had an arm broken three times. But today, my soul hurts. I want to go to bed and not wake up. What is different today than any other day? I don't understand. This is one of the most unbearable pains I have ever had. I don't know if it is because people have been trampling my spirit or because I have finally hit the end of my road. I am starting to dislike life. I made a promise to myself and Andy after he died. Carpe Diem. That's what I said, out loud the night I found out that Andy's life had been stolen from him. I told myself I would let no one steal my life too, in fact I was going to live for both of us. The problem is, I don't feel like living. Andy is the lucky one, he doesn't have to deal with every day dramas, bad reputations, heart break. Things that may seem insignificant, but can ruin a person.
I want to be 5 years old again, not knowing that my parents were fighting, and going to get a divorce, not knowing that my brother would one day turn to drugs to make his soul feel indifferent instead of hurt. I wish that I didn't know that my little brother was going to grow up to be a "player" and probably get a girl in trouble when he is 17. I wish that my dad was around. I wish I was 5 again when I saw my mom smile, before I knew it was fake.
I wish I could go to school and not see how people claim to be and what they really are. I wish that I could eat square pizza every day and not get sick of it. I wish that I could play tag on the play ground.
but most of all I wish I would have known that when you are five, that is the most honest with yourself and others you will ever be. There is nothing to hide at that age, and any lie is transparent and no one will judge based on stupid things. And if they did, it really didn't matter.
5

My eyes. My eyes are the only thing that link me to my past, these eyes have seen everything, every detail. The scary thing is, that is a hard thing to disguise to make eyes that have seen everything seem well, curious, like every thing I see is a new wonder. Something else to learn from. It is very difficult to shade the pain in my eyes with a blink or hide the suffering with laugh lines. But I try. And I am getting quite good at it. My one fear however, is that someone will look in my eyes, not at them but in them. And they will see the picture show of my life and they will know, know about everything that I have never spoken about. This is my biggest fear. Not even that they will reject me after figuring it all out. But the opposite of that, that they will ask questions that I cant answer for myself. that they will say something from a Hallmark card like "I will be thinking of you" or "I understand your pain, you can come to me" because the truth is, no one can understand, not until they have seen what my eyes have seen. So now I will go into the world with my eyes faintly covered, giving no one opportunity to look into them.

Sometimes, when I look around, I cant help but laugh at people. Not the kinds of people that everyone else laughs at I laugh at the so called "normal people"
this one kid sits on the freakin garbage can every day and all these girls crowd around him. That to me is hilarious all of these girls are marveling at this kid, who will prolly grow up to be nothing, that is if he ever grows up. They look at him like he is the ninth wonder of the world and yet he has no depth, I would be surprised if he could spell wonder.
the funny thing to me is that its not just these few people, it seems like almost everyone I meet is really shallow and superficial.
I think there is one person who I have met and feel is completely 100% genuine and that's Samantha, she is just one of those people who like myself don't give a damn. Em is like that too but Sam is just herself all of the time, she makes her own clothes, listens to whatever no one else is listening too. She is not afraid to show her individuality. That to me is awesome. I think we are going to start a Zine, that would be the coolest thing in the entire world.

I got my hair cut last night, its weird, but I actually like it. The woman was supposed to trim it but instead she cut it all off! Well of course not all of it but its short. Well, here's the thing. I feel like a new person. Not just because my hair is cut but because something inside of me has changed lately. I like it a lot. Until it begins to wear off and I turn back into negative bitch. Oh well.

I stayed home today, I felt like crap. I cleaned the ENTIRE house, and as soon as she walked in the door all she could say was, well did you put something on for dinner? How great is that? Oh well.
also heather stopped by today, her parents hate me apparently, I don't know what I did to make them hate me but I guess it was bad. Oh well I am over it.
I wrote a 4 page essay for British Literature, I wanted to shoot myself. Well there is really nothing going on in my life today so I am going to go to bed. Night

Yeah so I have had this one freakin song stuck in my head all freakin day! its Hook by Blues travelers and because i have had it stuck i am going to put it down because this is usually the thoughts that run through my head so why not the songs too!


It doesn't matter what I say
So long as I sing with inflection
That makes you feel that I'll convey
Some inner truth of vast reflection
But I've said nothing so far
And I can keep it up for as long as it takes
And it don't matter who you are
If I'm doing my job then it's your resolve that breaks

Because the hook brings you back
I ain't tellin' you no lie
The hook brings you back
On that you can rely

There is something amiss
I am being insincere
In fact I don't mean any of this
Still my confession draws you near
To confuse the issue I refer
To familiar heroes from long ago
No matter how much Peter loved her
What made the Pan refuse to grow

Was that the hook brings you back
I ain't tellin' you no lie
The hook brings you back
On that you can rely

Suck it in suck it in suck it in
If you're Rin Tin Tin or Anne Boleyn
Make a desperate move or else you'll win
And then begin
To see
What you're doing to me this MTV is not for free
It's so PC it's killing me
So desperately I sing to thee
Of love
Sure but also rage and hate and pain and fear of self
And I can't keep these feelings on the shelf
I've tried well no in fact I lied
Could be financial suicide but I've got too much pride inside
To hide or slide
I'll do as I'll decide and let it ride until I've died
And only then shall I abide this tide
Of catchy little tunes
Of hip three minute ditties
I wanna bust all your balloons
I wanna burn all of your cities
To the ground I've found
I will not mess around
Unless I play then hey
I will go on all day hear what I say
I have a prayer to pray
That's really all this was
And when I'm feeling stuck and need a buck
I don't rely on luck because...

The hook brings you back
I ain't tellin' you no lie
The hook...
On that you can rely
- Blues Travelers

Tonight, while I was driving I saw an accident. For a split second, I wondered what it would have been like if it were me in the smashed up driver's seat. Not because I was thinking about death or anything,but more thoughts of my family and what they would be thinking. I just wonder if all of the things that bother them about me now would seem as significant if I were to get into some sort of an accident. I kind of wish that I could so that maybe they would learn to appreciate me.

I try so hard to help with the family, but it seems like the things that I consider helpful, they consider bothersome.

After I drove a few blocks past the accident, I started crying, I hope that whoever was in that car had a family that loved them very much.

I have decided that it is really hard for me to "participate" in life without being negative. I think this is because, well when I watch people, they look so fake, they smile about nothing like idiots. I hope that not everyone is like this but I notice a lot of people are. For example, yesterday I was in a store, and I saw this couple holding hands and kissing a lot I just thought that it was wonderful, but then when I was leaving I saw them in the parking lot and he was yelling at her and pulling her toward him and she was yelling back saying "leave me alone" I just think that it is not fair to pretend to be happy, because then people look at you, like I did with that couple and for a moment I wanted to be them, and have someone like that around. When I saw them out side however, I got mad because they made me analyze my life over a lie. I really hope that every one isn't like this, that thought makes me sad.

HAHA LASER CONSMETIC SURGERY

The smoke from my cigarette rises up through the air. As I watch it I suddenly get jealous. I wish that I could rise above it all. all the sadness and pain. Yesterday V. came into work, she was drunk, all I could smell was the alcohol, normally that wouldn't bother me. But that smell brought back images. images of him over me laughing saying things like "you deserved it you whore, you had it coming." that smell, I never thought about it before, but whatever it was, it was what he was drinking that night. I had to go into the bathroom and throw up.
tonight wasn't much better. We drove to my dads today, I don't really want to be here, its not my dad at all. I love being around him when its just he and I but when every one else is here it makes it really hard. I know that I am a strong person, but when my entire family is pulling together to pick out all of my bad qualities, it makes it hard. I can take it when a few of them are at it, but when they know that I don't really want to be here in the first place it makes things difficult. I don't know why I let them get to me. I just don't know what to do anymore, I cant wait until I am off on my own and I have the choice of when I want to see my family, and believe me that probably wont be that often. I don't hate them at all, in fact I think that's why its so hard, because I would never make someone I love feel like total and complete shit, but they seem to do a damn good job. As I said earlier, I wish that I was smoke that could just float until I fade away to nothing.

So, Dustin and I are finished. For good, I have decided that I will not let him make me feel inferior any longer. (or anyone else for that matter) He didn't mean to make me feel that way, but that only made it worse. I can say that I am definitely looking to start fresh, possibly just be single for a loooong time and date who ever I want. I am not going to be a new age slut or anything but I want to have fun, with out waiting for the phone to ring and someone to say we are doing this tonight. I want to set my own path and be able to drive around town for hours listening to Grateful Dead repetitively. This is my life and I want to live it. If I want to go sit at the local coffee place and read as many books with the word fuck in them as I want to. I am sick or people telling me how to look, how to speak, what to watch or read. I am thoroughly surprised that now one has showed me how to breath. (sigh)