Well its been a while since I have written anything, kinda crazy because there is so much that has been going on. I will start with the most exciting, I got my acceptance letter from Ferris and I am starting in the fall Aug 25th to be exact. I wont even be 18 when I start classes and that makes me laugh, it will only be 3 days but still, funny! So yeah I wonder what my roommate will be like, I hope she is cool. I don't want to be rooming with some whose rents are paying for everything, well unless she can take me out to the club with her LOL. Anyway. I have no idea what the hell I am doing when it comes to college, I don't know what I should bring, where I am gunna get a J.O.B. or what classes to take, not to mention I wont know ANYONE. which surprisingly that part is ok with me because I love to meet new people and make new friends, but I usually know at least one person. But who knows maybe it will be alright.
The second thing is that I am now taking pictures in journalism for the year book and paper. Its pretty cool I am learning to develop and what not. I just got a new camera so its fun.
Em is amazing I am so glad that we are friends, we are exactly alike, its nice, I miss that. It is nice to have a friend that is a girl who isn't a "girl" if that makes any sense at all LOL. All I know is that she is wonderful and I don't know how I am going to go to college and not see her every day, but I am stoked about school and I cant wait. ahh...... Well night to anyone who reads this. Dream Pretty.

Wow, that's all I can say about last night. He came home for one night only but it was amazing. He is wonderful and I think I could be happy with him. Wow...

Tonight, I was sitting outside smoking a cigarette and I just started crying... Out of no where. Then I had this image of Andy and me sitting in his living room when I was about 11 watching Congo, eating cheesecake. Then we were at school talking a few years later. Then I saw him and jay skate boarding. I just cried. I don't know if thinking of him made me cry or the fact that I realized today that I probably will not get into college. Or the fact that I cleaned up the house today and the only comment I heard was wow the kitchen is a mess. I don't know what strange forces in this world make me feel as though I am nothing, but its a hard thing to deal with.
I should be over the moon happy, Jason is coming home in two days and I get to see him and laugh with him and hold his hand and kiss him. And yet I still feel sad today. Damn am I sick of life sometimes.

Yeah so, last night we were talking on the phone, we were saying good bye quick and he said the "L" word. This is my dilemma, was he just saying it because he thinks I want to hear it, did he not mean to say it, or does he mean it. The reason that this is hard for me is because I have never said it to anyone who was not family, and even some of my family. The problem is that I said it back, and even though we are new at this kind of relationship I can see myself really meaning it down the line. He is a great guy and aside from the fact that he isn't a virgin pretty close to perfect.
I am sure I sound like some boy crazy teenage girl, but I have only really truly cared about 3 people, not even love, I just cared about them a lot. The first one was Ben and I did love him as a friend, but I told myself that it was more, then D. came along and I cared about him so much it hurt, I wanted to be with him more than anything, and I was blinded by that feeling and let him treat me poorly. now there is.. Well for the sake of sanity I will call him John... I have known John for years (he was my first kiss at almost 16) well for the past few months I guess we have been growing closer and closer, now I cant honestly say that I am in love with him. But I can say that if it were anyone else's voice that woke me up at 2 in the morning when I have to be in class at 7, Id be pissed. But all I want to do is talk to him as long as I can.
I don't know if this is love, I have had a crush on this boy since I was 13 years old. It could be nothing but pure lust for all I know. But there is one thing that I know. No one has ever sent chills down my spine with one kiss until now.