I am sitting here staring at the keyboard, I really don't know what to write so I will just put down what I am thinking. I am thinking that my entire future is damned. I am thinking that I may not get into college, that I may never fall in love and get married. That means no children. But I am also thinking why. Why do I have to work so hard in school when I know everything that I am "learning" about? Why cant I start the book that has been floating around in my head for years. Why cant I find a guy that wants to be with me? Why have I wasted 5 months on Dustin? Why is my hair blonde, why do I have freckles, why is it really cold but not snowing. Why do my friends claim all these things but do the opposite? Why is it that I can care about Emily so much but we never hang out. Why does no one read this? Why am I a bad writer? Why?

What is it that makes people interesting and worth being around? Why am I not one of those people? I have been through a lot in a short life time. I don't go around telling people about the fact that I was raped when I was 13 or the fact that I dropped out of school and got a job when I was in 7th grade.
I have done a lot of good things in my life also, I have worked on Faith Alive teams, and youth camps. I helped to raise my little sisters when they were adopted and I am always there to help my mom financially. Why is it that I am not one of those people that people want to know about? I don't understand. I have a good heart and I am creative and smart. What the hell is wrong with me? Why cant I find someone who will value me as a person because of my qualities?

Matt loves Volkswagen! I am sitting here in my journalism class, bored out of my freakin mind. There are no clocks in the damn room. It kind of makes me wonder, sometimes I feel like time is just standing still and I usually have the reassurance of the clocks to show me other wise. But not today. I have no reassurance. Nothing that tells me the world is still spinning. That's sort of a scary thought. Because if time stands still then I will be in this place forever. And I don't want that at all.

My grandma was put into the hospital yesterday. I am sad for her. Not because she is sick but because there is nothing there to make her want to get better. She is a bitter person. Life didn't turn out the way that she wanted it to so she is just mean. The pure sight or sound of happiness, in anyway, makes her nasty to be around. I wonder if I will be that. If I will just be stuck here in the superficial town, with superficial friends. And become bitter. At times I feel that I already am, that the happiness of one person makes me sad. But then I think that that could not be true because I love to see people smile and laugh and hug and be nice. I feel best when I am with people who hug and smile and laugh with me. So yeah now that I am done with random babbling.

I started my book on Friday. I was at JP's, and I started writing on a napkin and then I got some paper and started writing chapters. The problem is that they are really jumbled they just don't seem to fit correctly.

On Sunday I was able to see a lot of my friends in GH. None of them from there but they all gathered to St. Johns. I was also able to talk to the woman who is taking over camp. I really think that it will all work out ok. I mean yes it is going to be different but she just wants to make it good and safe and fun for us. And though most of us feel like camp is perfect (myself included) there are some things that need to change. Well I am at school and I want to shoot myself in the eye but instead I am going to get off and check my mail. Going out at lunch again. Go figure.

I WANT MY CAR BACK!!!!

I found out a few days ago that a friend of mine died. He was walking on the pier and got knocked off by a wave. I hadn't seen Dan in a while, it just amazes me how quickly we forget about the people in our lives. Andy died in September, he was my first real boyfriend. Even as we got older, we were still pretty good friends. When I moved we sorta lost touch until last summer, we hung out a little bit. I feel really weird about the whole thing with Dan, maybe its because I didn't know him as well as I knew Andy, or maybe I am just numb to death now. I think a lot if it is that my family gets mad when I get upset about it, so I don't cry in front of them, I cried a lot last night when I went to bed, but as soon as someone came up I buried my head under my pillow so they wouldn't hear me. I am pretending that every thing is fine at school. I don't want people to ask me a bunch of questions about him. Its too hard to answer them. When Andy died I had to go see the school guidance councilor, that was crap. I don't want to have to do that again. So I am alright I will be just fine. My friends don't seem to care all that much, why should they though they didn't know him. I just don't talk about it. Since Andy died though I have noticed that I have become really cynical, and sarcastic, I don't know if the two are linked but it was just an observation. I am pretty sure I am just going on about nothing now so I am going to stop typing. But yeah if anyone out there knows Andy Fox and Dan Reiss, I am really sorry about your loss, they were wonderful guys.