Its a funny feeling to have my soul aching, I have had a stomach ache, head ache, hell I have had an arm broken three times. But today, my soul hurts. I want to go to bed and not wake up. What is different today than any other day? I don't understand. This is one of the most unbearable pains I have ever had. I don't know if it is because people have been trampling my spirit or because I have finally hit the end of my road. I am starting to dislike life. I made a promise to myself and Andy after he died. Carpe Diem. That's what I said, out loud the night I found out that Andy's life had been stolen from him. I told myself I would let no one steal my life too, in fact I was going to live for both of us. The problem is, I don't feel like living. Andy is the lucky one, he doesn't have to deal with every day dramas, bad reputations, heart break. Things that may seem insignificant, but can ruin a person.
I want to be 5 years old again, not knowing that my parents were fighting, and going to get a divorce, not knowing that my brother would one day turn to drugs to make his soul feel indifferent instead of hurt. I wish that I didn't know that my little brother was going to grow up to be a "player" and probably get a girl in trouble when he is 17. I wish that my dad was around. I wish I was 5 again when I saw my mom smile, before I knew it was fake.
I wish I could go to school and not see how people claim to be and what they really are. I wish that I could eat square pizza every day and not get sick of it. I wish that I could play tag on the play ground.
but most of all I wish I would have known that when you are five, that is the most honest with yourself and others you will ever be. There is nothing to hide at that age, and any lie is transparent and no one will judge based on stupid things. And if they did, it really didn't matter.
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