The smoke from my cigarette rises up through the air. As I watch it I suddenly get jealous. I wish that I could rise above it all. all the sadness and pain. Yesterday V. came into work, she was drunk, all I could smell was the alcohol, normally that wouldn't bother me. But that smell brought back images. images of him over me laughing saying things like "you deserved it you whore, you had it coming." that smell, I never thought about it before, but whatever it was, it was what he was drinking that night. I had to go into the bathroom and throw up.
tonight wasn't much better. We drove to my dads today, I don't really want to be here, its not my dad at all. I love being around him when its just he and I but when every one else is here it makes it really hard. I know that I am a strong person, but when my entire family is pulling together to pick out all of my bad qualities, it makes it hard. I can take it when a few of them are at it, but when they know that I don't really want to be here in the first place it makes things difficult. I don't know why I let them get to me. I just don't know what to do anymore, I cant wait until I am off on my own and I have the choice of when I want to see my family, and believe me that probably wont be that often. I don't hate them at all, in fact I think that's why its so hard, because I would never make someone I love feel like total and complete shit, but they seem to do a damn good job. As I said earlier, I wish that I was smoke that could just float until I fade away to nothing.