Some times I look around and I have no idea why I am on this planet, I dont know if there is something that I am supposed to do. I saw some old friends at the movie theater the other day, it was like I knew them but they had no idea who I was. when I spoke to them they just didnt seem to give a damn. Then I saw him, someone I thought I knew, who I mistakenly thought was genuine and real, but the thing that I realized is that, most people are not either. People want to uphold their images makebelieving that they are something they are not, allowing others to think the same way.
I realized yesterday that people do this to manipulate life, getting theirs and only theirs.
That sucks.

I sat down with Luke last night, I told him everything, about Terri, about the drugs about every thing, i don't think he believes me, but the thing is, I don't care. Not many people have seen what i have seen and experienced what i have, i wish every fucking day that i could take it back and not have done any of it. But i cant, i have to go through every day seeing things over and over again. These things will never leave me, never. I want my childhood back, i want to be young and naive and not know what death is, or pain and sadness. i want to laugh at Saturday morning cartoons and not thing that they are stupid. i want to wonder what its like to kiss a boy and anxiously wait until i know. i want all of these things back all of the things that were ripped away from me before i was ready.
I told him about Collin and how i just watched him die, i just watched while he was on something and i was so fucking scared i didn't lift a finger. He died, and even though nothing that i would have done would have saved him. i should have done fucking something. But for reasons that are beyond belief i didn't do a damn thing.
No one has ever said it better than Dickens, It was the worst of times, it was the best of times. I never understood that until now, looking back, seeing myself the way i was and what i learned. i hope to God that i end up completely the opposite as i acted last year that's for fucking sure.

I don't understand why people through away a good thing. Luke's girlfriend went to Cancoon over spring break. She cheated on him. I don't know what justified this in her mind because in my opinion, Luke is one of those guys that girls dream about being with, he is such an amazing guy. I know that I compare every boyfriend that I ever have to him, and even if they are close, if he doesn't like them then they are gone. It just kills me to see him hurt though, he has been through so much in his life and he doesn't deserve to feel any more pain. I wish that I could just take it all away for him.
If I could take his tears and feel the heartache that he feels right now I would do it so that he doesn't have to. I just want to smack the shit out of that stupid bitch.
The thing that gets me is that, I haven't seen Jason in over a month and I have never once thought about cheating on him and this bitch couldn't go two weeks, what the hell does that say about her. That she is a fucking moron.

Yeah so, Jason was going to come home this weekend and surprise me, at least that's what his family said. He said he wanted to ask me something, but he doesn't want to do it over the phone. I wonder what it is. His friend Mark said that I was hot, but I think he was just being sarcastic. Who knows.
on Saturday night, Em and I went out. We had a blast well up until Chris friends all wanted to be pricks. But I really like Chris he is a sweetheart, and he just worries about Em.
before the drama though we went to grand haven to see Jason's family, I cant believe that she met them, that's so freakin great. I would've been way to nervous to go by myself. Its not that they scare me by any means, I just want them to like me and I am afraid that they don't. But I love his family. They make me laugh and Kayce says we are getting married. haha. Jason said that it is very important that his sister likes who he is dating. So I think that I am safe there.
she gave me some pictures of him. They make me happy. I have one of him and his dad in full uniform. They are so handsome. Well anywho. I don't know what else to say except that