I am sitting here staring at the keyboard, I really don't know what to write so I will just put down what I am thinking. I am thinking that my entire future is damned. I am thinking that I may not get into college, that I may never fall in love and get married. That means no children. But I am also thinking why. Why do I have to work so hard in school when I know everything that I am "learning" about? Why cant I start the book that has been floating around in my head for years. Why cant I find a guy that wants to be with me? Why have I wasted 5 months on Dustin? Why is my hair blonde, why do I have freckles, why is it really cold but not snowing. Why do my friends claim all these things but do the opposite? Why is it that I can care about Emily so much but we never hang out. Why does no one read this? Why am I a bad writer? Why?

What is it that makes people interesting and worth being around? Why am I not one of those people? I have been through a lot in a short life time. I don't go around telling people about the fact that I was raped when I was 13 or the fact that I dropped out of school and got a job when I was in 7th grade.
I have done a lot of good things in my life also, I have worked on Faith Alive teams, and youth camps. I helped to raise my little sisters when they were adopted and I am always there to help my mom financially. Why is it that I am not one of those people that people want to know about? I don't understand. I have a good heart and I am creative and smart. What the hell is wrong with me? Why cant I find someone who will value me as a person because of my qualities?

Matt loves Volkswagen! I am sitting here in my journalism class, bored out of my freakin mind. There are no clocks in the damn room. It kind of makes me wonder, sometimes I feel like time is just standing still and I usually have the reassurance of the clocks to show me other wise. But not today. I have no reassurance. Nothing that tells me the world is still spinning. That's sort of a scary thought. Because if time stands still then I will be in this place forever. And I don't want that at all.

My grandma was put into the hospital yesterday. I am sad for her. Not because she is sick but because there is nothing there to make her want to get better. She is a bitter person. Life didn't turn out the way that she wanted it to so she is just mean. The pure sight or sound of happiness, in anyway, makes her nasty to be around. I wonder if I will be that. If I will just be stuck here in the superficial town, with superficial friends. And become bitter. At times I feel that I already am, that the happiness of one person makes me sad. But then I think that that could not be true because I love to see people smile and laugh and hug and be nice. I feel best when I am with people who hug and smile and laugh with me. So yeah now that I am done with random babbling.

I started my book on Friday. I was at JP's, and I started writing on a napkin and then I got some paper and started writing chapters. The problem is that they are really jumbled they just don't seem to fit correctly.

On Sunday I was able to see a lot of my friends in GH. None of them from there but they all gathered to St. Johns. I was also able to talk to the woman who is taking over camp. I really think that it will all work out ok. I mean yes it is going to be different but she just wants to make it good and safe and fun for us. And though most of us feel like camp is perfect (myself included) there are some things that need to change. Well I am at school and I want to shoot myself in the eye but instead I am going to get off and check my mail. Going out at lunch again. Go figure.

I WANT MY CAR BACK!!!!

I found out a few days ago that a friend of mine died. He was walking on the pier and got knocked off by a wave. I hadn't seen Dan in a while, it just amazes me how quickly we forget about the people in our lives. Andy died in September, he was my first real boyfriend. Even as we got older, we were still pretty good friends. When I moved we sorta lost touch until last summer, we hung out a little bit. I feel really weird about the whole thing with Dan, maybe its because I didn't know him as well as I knew Andy, or maybe I am just numb to death now. I think a lot if it is that my family gets mad when I get upset about it, so I don't cry in front of them, I cried a lot last night when I went to bed, but as soon as someone came up I buried my head under my pillow so they wouldn't hear me. I am pretending that every thing is fine at school. I don't want people to ask me a bunch of questions about him. Its too hard to answer them. When Andy died I had to go see the school guidance councilor, that was crap. I don't want to have to do that again. So I am alright I will be just fine. My friends don't seem to care all that much, why should they though they didn't know him. I just don't talk about it. Since Andy died though I have noticed that I have become really cynical, and sarcastic, I don't know if the two are linked but it was just an observation. I am pretty sure I am just going on about nothing now so I am going to stop typing. But yeah if anyone out there knows Andy Fox and Dan Reiss, I am really sorry about your loss, they were wonderful guys.

He says that he isn't ready to have a "girlfriend" yet. We have been dating for almost 5 months. He says its just not the right time, and he isn't ready for a commitment. But what would be the difference between that and what we are now? Some times I just feel like I am someone to pass the time. I give up so much to be with him. And I am not complaining because I want to do it, but I just feel like I am putting so much into it and he isn't. His cousin is in town from north Carolina, and I don't want to be the kind of person that complains when he goes out, but on the same hand, what would be wrong with me meeting Jason? He tells me that he can see us together for a long time and what not, but he isn't willing to except what we have as something real, and good. Not just good but wonderful. My brother hates him, my dad hates him (but I don't give a shit what my dad thinks) and yet I try to convince them that he is different and not what they think, for what? what the hell does he give me? Why do I feel all of these things for someone who isn't completely mine to hold and be with? Does that make sense at all? Its so hard because sometimes he acts like I am the only person in the world, and sometimes he acts like I don't even excised. I am so confused. what the hell do I do? do I stay with him as we are and just pray that things will get better? GRRR WHAT THE FUCK!

Yep, its Thanksgiving and dinner hasn't even started, but the "fun" has. Some times I feel like no matter what I do, I will never hold a candle to my sister. No matter what books I read, in their eyes I will never be as intelligent as she is. She was the first person in my family to go to college, and though I will be the second, I will always be that, second. I have wanted to double major in creative writing and youth ministry since I can remember, but she went into the English field first, then today she talks about how its not "fulfilling" enough so she wants to go into some sort of ministry. Don't get me wrong that's great, but why is she the better person? I have wanted to do it for so much longer. She is prettier, smarter, more cultured. To every one around she is a God send. I am just here, wasted space, And I probably always will be.

I forgot to add, why I am doing this if its going to "suck" so bad. Its because I love my mom very much and she hasn't had us all around for thanksgiving like I said for about 8 years. I love her and I just want to see her happy, so I am going to make this the best damn day I can and well, lets just hope they don't make me cry this year :)

Thanksgiving is Today, I woke up to the smell of stuffing, ordinarily that would be ok to wake up to the smell of food, but I hate stuffing. This is the first thanksgiving in 8 years that my family is all together. Its going to be stressful. My aunt and uncle are coming with the most annoying kids I have ever met in my life. They are just as bad, my uncle is 35ish and acts like he is 4. My aunt is so up tight it makes me want to scream. My sister and brother in law will be here too. That wont be so bad except they treat me like I am still a baby, I cant think for myself, I am always doing something wrong. Stuff like that, its great. And then I will probably openly be annoyed and my older brother will jump in and start making fun of me knowing full well that its going to piss me off, because we have talked about it many times and I hate when he talks to me the way he does when he's "kidding around" and then he will get mad because I got mad and then happy turkey day! man this is going to suck.

Luke

My love for him is uncontrolled and sporatic
but showing when he needs it
by a phone call telling him to come home
because i need him here and i miss him
and he laughs while i cry
at my foolishness
because the problem is deeper than me
and i only half understand
but i miss him none the less
and i tell him i love him and then its done

Its amazing to me how situations in life work out. The mistake of one person can be the most amazing consequence for another. I liked a guy for 3 or 4 months I don't even really know what we were if anything, but we saw eachother as much as we could and spent literally all night talking on the phone multiple times. When I moved out of state, in fact, the night I got into my new house and sat down he called me to talk, he told me he loved me. And I said it back, I meant it with all my heart I loved him. A few weeks later he kissed a girl that he knew I didn't really care for and his ex. This wouldn't be the end of the world except that we hadn't kissed yet because I want to think we were waiting for the perfect moment. Needless to say I told him that I never wanted to talk to him again and sat and cried. Only a few days later, I moved from the apartment into my house and saw the most amazing guy I think I have ever seen. He was my mover and he was beautiful. At the end of the night I probably could have mopped the floors with all the drool from looking at him, but instead I decided to go out on a limb and give him my number, expecting that he would never call it was worth a try. That was four months ago, and we have been dating ever since. The reason I find this to be somewhat amazing is because I never would've given him my number if I were still with Ben.

Tick, Tick, Tick...
My time is running out
What the hell is going on
The ticking's getting loud
Its really dark I cant see a thing
I think I can feel the floor shifting
The walls are growing quickly
What did I do what was I thinking?
The floor is gone, its just an endless hole
I am getting dizzy, I don't think that I'm standing anymore
what's going on this is all so new
I was such a fucking fool
I hear the blood sloshing in my skull
I can feel my body being pulled.
What the hell....

[ Mon Nov 24, 06:41:06 AM | Cassandra Dekker | edit ]
Yesterday it was raining, the wind was blowing hard, driving on the highway was actually quite difficult, every thing was blurry and I could barely see out my windshield. Today, its snowing, I hate snow. I could put up with rain if I had to but I really hate snow. It is probably the most depressing thing ever. All I have heard lately are Christmas carols, I hate them, its not even thanksgiving and lights and trees are being put up. What's the point of Christmas? Is there one? I mean there is a point for Christians I suppose but they completely contradict themselves, with teaching there children how to be greedy, and long for the big presents, maybe I am just negative, who knows but I really don't see the point, especially because a sacred holiday has been taken over by hallmark.

Tell Wind and Fire where to stop, but do not tell me. - Tale of Two Cities

I am so excited on the way to see Hanna, she is wonderful, she knows just what to say and do to make me feel better when I am down. Since second grade, we have been through every phase together, brushing the manes on our My Little Ponies, scratches on our knees from skateboarding, and tears from our crushes on boys all happened together. I haven’t seen her in a few months, way to long for sisters to go without speaking. Driving down the highway, I don’t see the road, just her smile and images of us soaring on the swings when we were younger. We used to pick on my baby brother, keeping track of who could make him cry first.
My speedometer laughs at me as I pushed the limit by fifteen or so miles. I laughed back knowing that I wont get pulled over, today is just to important. I feel like I am jumping out of my skin.
When she came to the door, I couldn’t even look at her before she jumped on me. Her perfume filled my nostrils and my entire body warmed with her arms around me. A hug, I had forgotten how good those felt, especially from my best friend, but something in the back of my mind was telling me that this hug was different. We decided to go for coffee at our old spot. Driving there was a blast; noise from the homemade CD flooded the car.

“Another night another dream but always you, it’s like a vision of love
That seems to be true. Another night another dream but always you,
In the night I dream of love so true.”

When we got there however, all I could do was stare at her; I heard no sound from her pale moving lips. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t notice before. Vibrant, that is the only word that I could think of to describe the old her, running all over the place, making people smile, laughing that is the Hanna that I know. We would spend hours talking about how our family life was hard and we wanted to get out, we used to speak of college at nine years old planning the layout for our dorm rooms, we always knew that no matter who we became friends with over the years, we would always love each other.
The room seems to be closing in an inch with every word of her newfound obsession with pot and sex, all she wants to do is go out to parties and get drunk. The unn-commitmed one-night stands doen’t seem to bother her.
She used to have beautiful long wavy brown hair with soft blonde streaks, I was so jealous of her. Now, short, messy tanglys atop her scalp. I remember she used to look like she belonged in a tent on the beach.
Looking at her, she seems hollow, like she was just surviving life. Telling her tales of how she goes to party and live it up.

“…and the other night I was so drunk that I don’t really remember anything… it was so hilarious.”

I silently thought to myself for a while “yeah funny…” I said with absolutely no enthusiasm. I want to know what is really keeping her above water? Her eyes are sunken in; dark circles pull away from the beautiful green tint her eyes used to have. Her face is pale; this was odd because she is naturally dark. But her face looks almost yellow. Her cheekbones are no longer covered by the baby fat that we used to have even at 16. Her bones protruding through her clothes, that is if you can call the garments that covered her clothes, they looked more like the rags my grandma uses to dust the pictures in the hall. Hey, maybe those are the rag they do look pretty dirty.
I start wondering, while I watched her drink her coffee, cigarette in hand, smoke rising to the ceiling in wispy swirls. Is it the people who change in our lives that affect us, or the people who stay the same? Why is she this way and I am not, when we were little, every thing was the same. Now, I don’t know what to talk to her about. Its not because of how she looks, that is just the most obvious change. She just doesn’t care anymore, she wouldn’t mind if she lived or died.
Are the childhood memories, and experiences that Hann and I share what keeps me grounded? Or is it when she acts crazy and does what I only wish that I could, until I see her results, then quickly snap back to the morals I have trained myself to live by. I love my friend, she is not even a friend she is my sister for life, and sometimes I wish I could be her, but looking at her today, I didn’t see her there at all. It was like her beautiful energetic soul had to escape her drained body, and the struggle could be seen, the pain that she now feels is very obvious.
When it was very apparent that I had nothing to say, the empty coffee cup told me that it was time to go. I looked in her eyes one more time to see if any part of her was still there, my tears hiding behind my pupils, all I see is sadness, about life, about everything.
I made up my mind that day to never become that kind of person. Angry, bitter, full of pain. We all have our problems in life but I learned that day that if we don’t deal with our problems and just pretend they are gone, we would become empty. I love Hanna and I always will, but that was not Hanna, and all I feel for that girl is sympathy, but if Hanna ever comes back, I will be there to giver her the hug she needs. I also figured out why that hug was different, yet familiar; it was a goodbye hug.