I sat down with Luke last night, I told him everything, about Terri, about the drugs about every thing, i don't think he believes me, but the thing is, I don't care. Not many people have seen what i have seen and experienced what i have, i wish every fucking day that i could take it back and not have done any of it. But i cant, i have to go through every day seeing things over and over again. These things will never leave me, never. I want my childhood back, i want to be young and naive and not know what death is, or pain and sadness. i want to laugh at Saturday morning cartoons and not thing that they are stupid. i want to wonder what its like to kiss a boy and anxiously wait until i know. i want all of these things back all of the things that were ripped away from me before i was ready.
I told him about Collin and how i just watched him die, i just watched while he was on something and i was so fucking scared i didn't lift a finger. He died, and even though nothing that i would have done would have saved him. i should have done fucking something. But for reasons that are beyond belief i didn't do a damn thing.
No one has ever said it better than Dickens, It was the worst of times, it was the best of times. I never understood that until now, looking back, seeing myself the way i was and what i learned. i hope to God that i end up completely the opposite as i acted last year that's for fucking sure.