I don't get it, so many guys have told me absolute horror stories about how their girlfriends are so clingy and annoying... a common trait girls seemed to inherit through the generations... But I myself, am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, all that I want from someone else is respect.
I was told that in being so independant, I have allowed the romantic side of me leak out... (apperently I am a fucking water baloon) but this is my question, why is it that I am labled as cold and hard hearted just because I dont need a guy to buy me roses? Dont get me wrong, I like gifts from someone who cares about me... But if someone really cares and knows me, than they will know that I would much rather someone write me a letter for no reason and send it to me in the mail...
That conversation really bothered me, because now I am analyzing whether or not I actually do have some sort of romantic side, and if I dont, does that mean that I am not one that guys would want to date? I am utterly confused as to why a girl that would like to go to a sports event with her boyfriend or sit around and play cards is worse then a girlfriend that demands so much the guy does nothing but work to win her... GAH
someone explain how it all works to me, maybe I missed a step...
So, to change the subject a little. I met some HALARIOUS guys at work tonight! one problem... WAY to old for me... the "younger" of the two is 31... but oh so good looking... haha we talked for hours when I got off of work.
Oh and I am also in charge of all the marketing for one of the services at Ruby Tuesday... Its called our Curbside To Go, so I spent all day going to local businesses trying to sell it... The guys at Belle Tire were very interested! That makes me very happy lol.
well, I was at work from 830 this morning until like 8 tonight so I am going to catch some Z's. Good night all.. Well, anyone who actually reads this...
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Saturday, June 26, 2004
Morning
I hate the morning, I am sure that sounds bitter and mean, thats not it at all. Its just that well, I have to go to work and take on a 12 hour day, and let me tell you. thats not always the funnest thing there is to do... and well. I cant wait! well my hot manager might be working so the day may not be a complete bust, oooo, now I am kinda excited. See ya'll later...
I feel like being in a list mood. So this is a list of the qualities my Ideal guy would have... If only dreams could come true...
1. Good listener.
2. creative.
3. Cultured.
4. Independant.
5. Intelligent.
6. Ambitious.
7. Someone who would call just to hear my voice.
8. Someone who tells me that I am beautiful and means it.
9. Someone who would find out my favorite movie and even if they don't like it, rent it and watch it with me.
10. Someone who will try to cook me a nice dinner even if they can't cook.
11. Someone who would make me a CD of all of the songs that remind them of me.
12. Someone who would remember every thing that I have ever said to them and thought it was important just because I said it.
13. Someone who will sit in the park and read my favorite book to me while the sun is setting.
14. Someone who will take my little brother to a hockey game or watch him at one of his soccer games even if I am not there.
15. Someone who will color with my little sisters when I am in the other room or sit on the floor and watch cartoons with them.
16. Someone that will hug my mom.
17. Someone that will hold my hand in front of my older brother, knowing fare-well, that in his mind he is thinking of the thousands of ways to cause that boy pain.
18. Someone who will be patient with me when he wants to take the relationship the the "next level" but knows that I am not ready
19. Someone who will come to all the gatherings with me and my friends.
20. Someone who will ask my brothers and my father if it is ok, that he dates me, and if they say no, do it anyways because he cares about me that much.
21. Someone who will push that one strand of hair that fell over my face, aside so he can gaze into my eyes.
22. Someone who will show up at my job with flowers and a card with a little note in it.
23. Someone who would take me dancing even if he hates it. But knows that I love it.
Someone who doesnt have to talk about my secrets, just knows they are there and that I will share them when I am ready.
24. Someone who knows that there are quite a few boys that would like to date me and never takes me forgranted.
25. Someone who can feel comfortable being around my family and talking to them when I am in the other room.
26. Someone who would like nothing more than to spend hours walking along beach with me, just listening to the waves.
27. Someone who would read every word I ever write and tell me the honest truth about it.
28. Someone who will read this journal and not be judgemental about any of the entries.
29. Someone who will tell me that I am cute when I am wearing grubby jeans and a hoodie with my hair pulled up in a messy pony tail.
30. Someone who can take these things and think of new ways to make me smile...
"I'm just so tired won't you sing me to sleep and fly through my dreams so i can hitch a ride with you tonight and get away from this place have a new name and face I just aint the same w/o you in my life" - yellowcard
1. Good listener.
2. creative.
3. Cultured.
4. Independant.
5. Intelligent.
6. Ambitious.
7. Someone who would call just to hear my voice.
8. Someone who tells me that I am beautiful and means it.
9. Someone who would find out my favorite movie and even if they don't like it, rent it and watch it with me.
10. Someone who will try to cook me a nice dinner even if they can't cook.
11. Someone who would make me a CD of all of the songs that remind them of me.
12. Someone who would remember every thing that I have ever said to them and thought it was important just because I said it.
13. Someone who will sit in the park and read my favorite book to me while the sun is setting.
14. Someone who will take my little brother to a hockey game or watch him at one of his soccer games even if I am not there.
15. Someone who will color with my little sisters when I am in the other room or sit on the floor and watch cartoons with them.
16. Someone that will hug my mom.
17. Someone that will hold my hand in front of my older brother, knowing fare-well, that in his mind he is thinking of the thousands of ways to cause that boy pain.
18. Someone who will be patient with me when he wants to take the relationship the the "next level" but knows that I am not ready
19. Someone who will come to all the gatherings with me and my friends.
20. Someone who will ask my brothers and my father if it is ok, that he dates me, and if they say no, do it anyways because he cares about me that much.
21. Someone who will push that one strand of hair that fell over my face, aside so he can gaze into my eyes.
22. Someone who will show up at my job with flowers and a card with a little note in it.
23. Someone who would take me dancing even if he hates it. But knows that I love it.
Someone who doesnt have to talk about my secrets, just knows they are there and that I will share them when I am ready.
24. Someone who knows that there are quite a few boys that would like to date me and never takes me forgranted.
25. Someone who can feel comfortable being around my family and talking to them when I am in the other room.
26. Someone who would like nothing more than to spend hours walking along beach with me, just listening to the waves.
27. Someone who would read every word I ever write and tell me the honest truth about it.
28. Someone who will read this journal and not be judgemental about any of the entries.
29. Someone who will tell me that I am cute when I am wearing grubby jeans and a hoodie with my hair pulled up in a messy pony tail.
30. Someone who can take these things and think of new ways to make me smile...
"I'm just so tired won't you sing me to sleep and fly through my dreams so i can hitch a ride with you tonight and get away from this place have a new name and face I just aint the same w/o you in my life" - yellowcard
Thursday, June 24, 2004
Good bye to the smell, goodbye to the camp-fire... Good bye camp...
Driving up today, I had to roll down the windows, it was raining but I didnt care, taking a shower in the car, all that was running through my mind was a picture show of all that have happend in this small area of land.
the first thing I saw was the Ultimate Frisbee feild... I remember last year, Zack Thomas, Dan and Brian Paff, David Haskell, and Ben Foster... After a hard game of ultimate would line up for back rubs, sitting on my lap, still all gross, I can feel the moisture in my hands, I wasnt grossed out then and I never will be...
Car pushing a bit farther, I notice the Tear drop. so many times a group of us would just go there to think and talk... I can hear Bryan Brown, playing his guitar for me. I can see the same stars I saw the night it was just he and I... his voice floods my eardrums.. His deep soft beautiful voice... "...meet me where I am.. Shake the dust off my hear till it shines again, shine the light in my eyes till I'm blind again.. Ohh run me through the fire till I'm refined again... Oh faithfull friend.. Meet me where I am..." I can feel the same soft touch of tears on my cheeks as that night he and I sat there. driving past the Tear Drop I realized the irony and laughed... slowly passing the huge trees that know a million secrets, I listened carefully hopeing to hear one that I didnt already know.. No luck. I know most of them but the ones I dont are just for the trees.
when we parked, I just sat there for a minute, a different path from my usual jump out of the car attitude.. I just sat, listening to the rain that is continuing to fall atop the hood. Getting out, my legs feel numb, like I am a scared child not knowing were to go next, though I know... I know all to well. I could find my way around the acres with my eyes shut, but finding my way to the path at the minute, was impossible. I took some breaths and started walking. walking down the path I remembered the year that they added woodchips, some kid was running down the path and fell.. He was right in front of me. And though it shouldnt have been funny when there was a woodship stuck in his leg, I laughed because he did. After what seemed to be more time then the actual drive there, I made it to the black top. looking around things were sad, the place was deserted, dirty and I could see no love fumigating like I could all the years prior... knowing full well that Reed would always be there, I looked up for assurance, some guidence. But the giant bell was gone. no where in sight. red faced I went inside to the Great hall. It still smelled the same. of hugs and tears and kisses and laughter. The reason that I thought of it that way is because if those things had a smell.. It would be the Great hall at camp. I walked in to see banners from years past, every year every session. All there. the one made the first year I was at camp was directly in front of me. I was amazed. The felt, still holding togather like it would stand through anything. The wood floors still creeked when I walked from the Great hall to the hall and through the hall a wood band played, and new note hit with every step. the Big red counter had been re-painted, the same shade but the fade was gone, the chip from when someone had slammed there clip-bored down to hard was fixed. The nurse used to stand his ground there so that pills could be despeced. The lobby looked axacty the same. the couches all where the are sposed to be as if they were bolted down for safety. the brown cushions were dented and beaten down. they served as a resting place for so many people. I remembered the time I was sentanced to the couch for almost two days, it killed me. but Joe and some of the other councilors would sneak me food from the kitchen. I walked to the drinking fountain forgetting the taste that used to make my face twist, rust. It hit me squar in the face today...
the dinning hall didnt have the camp food smell, and all the chairs and tables were pushed to the walls. it was sad, I longed to see the table with the words 12 / Grad M with and Cassie as the fine print. I had become an honorary member one year. Chuck, the councilor only allowed me to sit there, and I did at every meal, I was just one of the guys, but the cute one... I went for a walk down by the dock. I remembered the swimming tests that we had to take every year, and the buddy bored, we could never go in the water alone. I hated to swim because all of my friends got deep, and I wasnt a strong enough swimmer so I was always confined to intermediate. I hated it, So instead of mastering how to swim, I mastered four-square. I was the best one year. lughing to myself, I casually wandered up there. looking around the court was faded to almost nothing, I saw the damage to the roof that wills "Cherry Bomb" left. and I laughed. I went farther in my thought provoking walk, I stumbled accross the owl cage and the cabin that I lived in for about 4 years in a row. The bathroom that we had to walk to in the middle of the night, and I remembered how much I resented that then, but now I would do anything to live there for a week. I walked down to the fire pit and thats where I lost it, I saw the thurday night that we all sat around the campfire, all 150 or so of us and just listened to Bryan's sweet voice, and sitting there I took hold of Dan Paff's hand and just looked at the sky, many of us that night saw a cross in the clouds and as time went on, saw what looked to be a body, we were out there until all hours of the night... The Cross that was put up in the memory of Samantha Popkey was gone and will never be put up again. She died on her way to camp one year, a year that I was not able to attend. I only heard about it after. I saw the stack of logs that were pushed aside, and I thought of all of the people that I sat with in those spots. I heard every camp song I knew all at once. The faces always change, people come and go, but the stories that place holds will never fade away. I drove away sad, I will miss that place and all of its memories.
I was able to see some people that I havent seen in years, but I cant write about that right now. When I heard that there was going to be a new camp, I was not excited, but I wasnt angry either. I didnt think it would change the "atmostphere" of camp. But driving away tonight, windows down, breathing as deeply as possible until the very last second. I realised that I will have to tell all of my secrets to another set of trees and I dont want to do that...
the first thing I saw was the Ultimate Frisbee feild... I remember last year, Zack Thomas, Dan and Brian Paff, David Haskell, and Ben Foster... After a hard game of ultimate would line up for back rubs, sitting on my lap, still all gross, I can feel the moisture in my hands, I wasnt grossed out then and I never will be...
Car pushing a bit farther, I notice the Tear drop. so many times a group of us would just go there to think and talk... I can hear Bryan Brown, playing his guitar for me. I can see the same stars I saw the night it was just he and I... his voice floods my eardrums.. His deep soft beautiful voice... "...meet me where I am.. Shake the dust off my hear till it shines again, shine the light in my eyes till I'm blind again.. Ohh run me through the fire till I'm refined again... Oh faithfull friend.. Meet me where I am..." I can feel the same soft touch of tears on my cheeks as that night he and I sat there. driving past the Tear Drop I realized the irony and laughed... slowly passing the huge trees that know a million secrets, I listened carefully hopeing to hear one that I didnt already know.. No luck. I know most of them but the ones I dont are just for the trees.
when we parked, I just sat there for a minute, a different path from my usual jump out of the car attitude.. I just sat, listening to the rain that is continuing to fall atop the hood. Getting out, my legs feel numb, like I am a scared child not knowing were to go next, though I know... I know all to well. I could find my way around the acres with my eyes shut, but finding my way to the path at the minute, was impossible. I took some breaths and started walking. walking down the path I remembered the year that they added woodchips, some kid was running down the path and fell.. He was right in front of me. And though it shouldnt have been funny when there was a woodship stuck in his leg, I laughed because he did. After what seemed to be more time then the actual drive there, I made it to the black top. looking around things were sad, the place was deserted, dirty and I could see no love fumigating like I could all the years prior... knowing full well that Reed would always be there, I looked up for assurance, some guidence. But the giant bell was gone. no where in sight. red faced I went inside to the Great hall. It still smelled the same. of hugs and tears and kisses and laughter. The reason that I thought of it that way is because if those things had a smell.. It would be the Great hall at camp. I walked in to see banners from years past, every year every session. All there. the one made the first year I was at camp was directly in front of me. I was amazed. The felt, still holding togather like it would stand through anything. The wood floors still creeked when I walked from the Great hall to the hall and through the hall a wood band played, and new note hit with every step. the Big red counter had been re-painted, the same shade but the fade was gone, the chip from when someone had slammed there clip-bored down to hard was fixed. The nurse used to stand his ground there so that pills could be despeced. The lobby looked axacty the same. the couches all where the are sposed to be as if they were bolted down for safety. the brown cushions were dented and beaten down. they served as a resting place for so many people. I remembered the time I was sentanced to the couch for almost two days, it killed me. but Joe and some of the other councilors would sneak me food from the kitchen. I walked to the drinking fountain forgetting the taste that used to make my face twist, rust. It hit me squar in the face today...
the dinning hall didnt have the camp food smell, and all the chairs and tables were pushed to the walls. it was sad, I longed to see the table with the words 12 / Grad M with and Cassie as the fine print. I had become an honorary member one year. Chuck, the councilor only allowed me to sit there, and I did at every meal, I was just one of the guys, but the cute one... I went for a walk down by the dock. I remembered the swimming tests that we had to take every year, and the buddy bored, we could never go in the water alone. I hated to swim because all of my friends got deep, and I wasnt a strong enough swimmer so I was always confined to intermediate. I hated it, So instead of mastering how to swim, I mastered four-square. I was the best one year. lughing to myself, I casually wandered up there. looking around the court was faded to almost nothing, I saw the damage to the roof that wills "Cherry Bomb" left. and I laughed. I went farther in my thought provoking walk, I stumbled accross the owl cage and the cabin that I lived in for about 4 years in a row. The bathroom that we had to walk to in the middle of the night, and I remembered how much I resented that then, but now I would do anything to live there for a week. I walked down to the fire pit and thats where I lost it, I saw the thurday night that we all sat around the campfire, all 150 or so of us and just listened to Bryan's sweet voice, and sitting there I took hold of Dan Paff's hand and just looked at the sky, many of us that night saw a cross in the clouds and as time went on, saw what looked to be a body, we were out there until all hours of the night... The Cross that was put up in the memory of Samantha Popkey was gone and will never be put up again. She died on her way to camp one year, a year that I was not able to attend. I only heard about it after. I saw the stack of logs that were pushed aside, and I thought of all of the people that I sat with in those spots. I heard every camp song I knew all at once. The faces always change, people come and go, but the stories that place holds will never fade away. I drove away sad, I will miss that place and all of its memories.
I was able to see some people that I havent seen in years, but I cant write about that right now. When I heard that there was going to be a new camp, I was not excited, but I wasnt angry either. I didnt think it would change the "atmostphere" of camp. But driving away tonight, windows down, breathing as deeply as possible until the very last second. I realised that I will have to tell all of my secrets to another set of trees and I dont want to do that...
Work.. BAH
So yeah today, I worked a double, I got to work at 8:30 this morning, Bah, and decided I didnt feel like working since I dont do anything until 11 anyways, so... I took a nap in one of the booths, it was nice until one of the kitchen guys found me and tried to feel me up... Sick.
I made a new record for curbside tips though, that was nice, as soon as I clocked in at 11 I had a HUGE order to ring in, it was like a hundred and 10 dollar bill, that was fun considering I have only done curbside a few times... but I made like 15 bucks or so off of it, so that was nice, then I had a 7 dollar bill and made like 3 bucks, so all in all with 2 orders in a 20 minute time span I made 18 bucks, I was pretty happy, but then it was all down hill from there.... I spent the rest of the time prepping food for the cooks being groped every 5 seconds, yucky... it wouldnt be so bad except the guy is like 36 and yeah, he could pretty much be my dad.. Sick.
the night shift sucked except for well, I met someone... he was really cool.. I have never given my number to anyone that comes in (though some do ask) but I gave it to him. He also gave me his and I fully intended to call him tonight to see if he wanted to get a bite to eat at Denny's (how romantic) but when I got home I couldnt find it, I remembered that I put it in the pocket of my work shirt and left in such an excited rush, that I forgot to take it out... I went to Denny's anyways, hoping that he may call or show up, but no dice... Gah
I also found out that my regular 3rd shift waitress is giving up the night life for the blinding sun lit shifts, gar. that makes me sad because now I have to break in a new waitress/waiter... thats not fun.
She explained why and though I fully understand it still kinda sucks, I like her. I mean why else would someone go to Denny's just about every night? She told me that her schedual was not mixing well with the stresses of raising two kids and that the other day she fell asleep on the couch with her 5 year old, well he woke up and wandered outside... Scary..
next on my list of things to talk about.. I started a new book tonight, its called Boy Meets Girl... It was givin to me by my over-protective big sister. Ha. Its about waiting until you are ready for marriage to date and not get committed with anyone until you want to get married. Though I think that this theory worked for the author, I find it to be bunk.. I cannot justify that comment until I give the book a chance, but so far.. Bunk.
I am driving to Battle Creek tomorrow, that will be fun, I get to see some friends that I havent seen in over a year, I cant wait. well. I am really tired concidering I didnt get out of work until about 10 o'clock tonight. and I have had less than 4 hours of sleep every night for the past like 3 weeks. Gah.
so I am going to say aloha to anyone who decides to read this...
I hope that he calls me...
I made a new record for curbside tips though, that was nice, as soon as I clocked in at 11 I had a HUGE order to ring in, it was like a hundred and 10 dollar bill, that was fun considering I have only done curbside a few times... but I made like 15 bucks or so off of it, so that was nice, then I had a 7 dollar bill and made like 3 bucks, so all in all with 2 orders in a 20 minute time span I made 18 bucks, I was pretty happy, but then it was all down hill from there.... I spent the rest of the time prepping food for the cooks being groped every 5 seconds, yucky... it wouldnt be so bad except the guy is like 36 and yeah, he could pretty much be my dad.. Sick.
the night shift sucked except for well, I met someone... he was really cool.. I have never given my number to anyone that comes in (though some do ask) but I gave it to him. He also gave me his and I fully intended to call him tonight to see if he wanted to get a bite to eat at Denny's (how romantic) but when I got home I couldnt find it, I remembered that I put it in the pocket of my work shirt and left in such an excited rush, that I forgot to take it out... I went to Denny's anyways, hoping that he may call or show up, but no dice... Gah
I also found out that my regular 3rd shift waitress is giving up the night life for the blinding sun lit shifts, gar. that makes me sad because now I have to break in a new waitress/waiter... thats not fun.
She explained why and though I fully understand it still kinda sucks, I like her. I mean why else would someone go to Denny's just about every night? She told me that her schedual was not mixing well with the stresses of raising two kids and that the other day she fell asleep on the couch with her 5 year old, well he woke up and wandered outside... Scary..
next on my list of things to talk about.. I started a new book tonight, its called Boy Meets Girl... It was givin to me by my over-protective big sister. Ha. Its about waiting until you are ready for marriage to date and not get committed with anyone until you want to get married. Though I think that this theory worked for the author, I find it to be bunk.. I cannot justify that comment until I give the book a chance, but so far.. Bunk.
I am driving to Battle Creek tomorrow, that will be fun, I get to see some friends that I havent seen in over a year, I cant wait. well. I am really tired concidering I didnt get out of work until about 10 o'clock tonight. and I have had less than 4 hours of sleep every night for the past like 3 weeks. Gah.
so I am going to say aloha to anyone who decides to read this...
I hope that he calls me...
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
This what I saw last night...
As I look at the sky
I can't help but hold my breath
For as the air leaves my body
The gorgious sky may just as easily fade away
The sun is setting
I don't want to blink
I don't want to miss it
Pinks, reds and blues rush higher and higher
Into the skiy
Racing to the top
Still holding my breath, I watch
The blues get darker and the pinks turn to purple
Then black
When I finally Exhale
My breath wisps into the sky
As if that same breath airbrushed the sky with stars
Some time has gone by now
I am still weary of blinking
My eyes are becoming heavy
So I will close them and sit in this wonderful safe place
I know all is right
I slowly loose conciousness to the outside owrld.
I can't help but hold my breath
For as the air leaves my body
The gorgious sky may just as easily fade away
The sun is setting
I don't want to blink
I don't want to miss it
Pinks, reds and blues rush higher and higher
Into the skiy
Racing to the top
Still holding my breath, I watch
The blues get darker and the pinks turn to purple
Then black
When I finally Exhale
My breath wisps into the sky
As if that same breath airbrushed the sky with stars
Some time has gone by now
I am still weary of blinking
My eyes are becoming heavy
So I will close them and sit in this wonderful safe place
I know all is right
I slowly loose conciousness to the outside owrld.
Feeling sorry for myself...
Lately, I have been feeling well, to put it bluntly like shit. I feel like my life is going nowhere, now, a mid-life crisis is a normal check point in the lives of many, but not someone who is 17. I am stuck. I am stuck in my writing, in a dead-end job. I am stuck in a family that thinks about as much of me as a bumb on a sub-way.. (all they want is money)
I dont really know where to go at this point.. This is probably one of the stupidest things I have ever thought about. but I am entirely serious. I will be starting Ferris in the fall, and yes that is a step up from living with my "don't-give-a-damn-family" but still, what pretell is exciting about Ferris, not that it isnt a great school to go to thats not what I mean, its just. I want to travel the world and see things that people only dream about. I want to be a world famous writer, writing novels that cant stay on the shelves with super glue... for some reason I dont see that happening, at least I cant picture it as well today as I could yesterday.
Tim gave me my graduation present the other day, I am pretty sure I wrote about it. but anyways, I was thinking about it yesterday and I got kinda upset, what if I dont make accomplish all that I want to? I mean I know that everything in the world cannot go as only I plan, but really, my dreams are all I have. If they fall through, what then?
I will be 27 years old sleeping on my mothers couch eating Captain Crunch in my "down-time" thats bunk... Gah
I guess I am feeling like this because I am being a coward, I usually do that, when I get scared about something, I just pick at it until its dead and the threat of falling short of perfect is gone. I dont know if anyone else does that... I kinda hope not, because I usually get nothing accomplished when I have that train of thought..
as I said before. Gah. I hate thinking all of the damn time!
I dont really know where to go at this point.. This is probably one of the stupidest things I have ever thought about. but I am entirely serious. I will be starting Ferris in the fall, and yes that is a step up from living with my "don't-give-a-damn-family" but still, what pretell is exciting about Ferris, not that it isnt a great school to go to thats not what I mean, its just. I want to travel the world and see things that people only dream about. I want to be a world famous writer, writing novels that cant stay on the shelves with super glue... for some reason I dont see that happening, at least I cant picture it as well today as I could yesterday.
Tim gave me my graduation present the other day, I am pretty sure I wrote about it. but anyways, I was thinking about it yesterday and I got kinda upset, what if I dont make accomplish all that I want to? I mean I know that everything in the world cannot go as only I plan, but really, my dreams are all I have. If they fall through, what then?
I will be 27 years old sleeping on my mothers couch eating Captain Crunch in my "down-time" thats bunk... Gah
I guess I am feeling like this because I am being a coward, I usually do that, when I get scared about something, I just pick at it until its dead and the threat of falling short of perfect is gone. I dont know if anyone else does that... I kinda hope not, because I usually get nothing accomplished when I have that train of thought..
as I said before. Gah. I hate thinking all of the damn time!
Sunday, June 20, 2004
So the other day I was at the park, just taking pictures and writing a little, I do that alot. well any ways, I saw this little girl running around, with the biggest smile on her face, she was the cutest thing. as creepy as it sounds I kind of kept my eye on her, because I wanted to write about what she did. how she played stuff like that. so this is what I came up with.
Higher and higher she soared into the air, all fifty pounds enclosed in her skin rising up off of the swing as if she was weightless. Rushing backwards her think black hair flying in her face so that she can barely see. Her legs straight out in front of her, suddenly she pounds them into the air violently in an attempt to climb higher. She just swings for a while, back and forth in the warm breeze. Then when the swing begins to slow she jumps off, hitting the ground with a loud thump atop the weather beaten woodchips. Running to the field with her arms out stretched she stopped dead. Peering into the sky all I see is a large smile on her ivory white face. Her nostrils twinge with the scent of burning leaves.
Slowly she sits down in the field, the grass around her beginning to turn yellow. Then just as slowly she lays back and watches the sky. Her eyes follow the floating clouds. I can hear her giggling yelling, "Look that one is a ship, that one looks like a flower!". For five minutes she just watches in amazement. Then the young girl sits up and reaches for a flower that was sticking out of the grass, she softly handles it as if it were a person, a baby at that. Then she begins to pick the petals off one at a time, blowing them out of her hand so that the wind can take them to new places. This girl is beautiful sitting in the grass with the sun in her hair; black at first glance but now warm reds and gold's fill her head. She is bundled up in a scarf and gloves along with a sweater to protect her from the grasping wind. She is moving again, running to what seems to be her mother, she leaps at her and holds her tightly around the waist. That striking smile covering her face once again. They slowly walk away hand in hand. The girls keeps glancing up at her mom, she has a happy glow about her. Then they disappear into the distance.
Nothing great or wonderful, but I thought that it was pretty cool. but yeah I am a loser so I am gunna go now lol
Higher and higher she soared into the air, all fifty pounds enclosed in her skin rising up off of the swing as if she was weightless. Rushing backwards her think black hair flying in her face so that she can barely see. Her legs straight out in front of her, suddenly she pounds them into the air violently in an attempt to climb higher. She just swings for a while, back and forth in the warm breeze. Then when the swing begins to slow she jumps off, hitting the ground with a loud thump atop the weather beaten woodchips. Running to the field with her arms out stretched she stopped dead. Peering into the sky all I see is a large smile on her ivory white face. Her nostrils twinge with the scent of burning leaves.
Slowly she sits down in the field, the grass around her beginning to turn yellow. Then just as slowly she lays back and watches the sky. Her eyes follow the floating clouds. I can hear her giggling yelling, "Look that one is a ship, that one looks like a flower!". For five minutes she just watches in amazement. Then the young girl sits up and reaches for a flower that was sticking out of the grass, she softly handles it as if it were a person, a baby at that. Then she begins to pick the petals off one at a time, blowing them out of her hand so that the wind can take them to new places. This girl is beautiful sitting in the grass with the sun in her hair; black at first glance but now warm reds and gold's fill her head. She is bundled up in a scarf and gloves along with a sweater to protect her from the grasping wind. She is moving again, running to what seems to be her mother, she leaps at her and holds her tightly around the waist. That striking smile covering her face once again. They slowly walk away hand in hand. The girls keeps glancing up at her mom, she has a happy glow about her. Then they disappear into the distance.
Nothing great or wonderful, but I thought that it was pretty cool. but yeah I am a loser so I am gunna go now lol
Wow, yesterday was my open house, it was pretty cool. A lot of people showed up and were there for me, it was good. I was kinda bummed though because a few people that told me that tey were coming didnt actually show up, but its ok. I am over it.
My family all went in on a gift for me... Its a kick ass Laptop... I cant wait to get it.
Ps.... For those of you leaving comments that I dont fully understand, I think it would be better for you to just talk to me about it rather than leaving some Bunk comment.... I didnt ask you to read this, so if you have beef with me, just move on and find someone elses journal to snoop through. well instead of beating around the bush I will just say it. Andrea, I didnt ask you to read my journal, you found it by chance and I would prefer that if you are going to be so judgemental on a life that you know absolutly nothing about. that you wouldnt read my journal or comment on it for that matter.... thanks
My family all went in on a gift for me... Its a kick ass Laptop... I cant wait to get it.
Ps.... For those of you leaving comments that I dont fully understand, I think it would be better for you to just talk to me about it rather than leaving some Bunk comment.... I didnt ask you to read this, so if you have beef with me, just move on and find someone elses journal to snoop through. well instead of beating around the bush I will just say it. Andrea, I didnt ask you to read my journal, you found it by chance and I would prefer that if you are going to be so judgemental on a life that you know absolutly nothing about. that you wouldnt read my journal or comment on it for that matter.... thanks
Friday, June 18, 2004
I was looking through an old notebook of mine, and I found a little note from an old friend, I started crying, yes thats right, I cried. This is what it said.
Dearest Cassie,
What would this world be without you? You are the sunrise in the east and the setting sun in the west. You are such an incredibly amazing person and I will love you forever and ever until forever ends.
Love,
Greg.
The reason that I became emotional is because, I can't figure out what it is that he saw in me. Yes at times I can be funny and somewhat intelligent, but for the most part I am just me, there is nothing about me that makes me any better or worse than the next person. Yes I have experienced a lot in a short life time. But I have not had to work through something unbareable, like many that I know. I have never had a life threatening Disiease and survived. I am not an honor roll student, I am just average. Why is it that he saw something about me that was special but along with everyone else, I dont see it? Wow, what a trip.
Dearest Cassie,
What would this world be without you? You are the sunrise in the east and the setting sun in the west. You are such an incredibly amazing person and I will love you forever and ever until forever ends.
Love,
Greg.
The reason that I became emotional is because, I can't figure out what it is that he saw in me. Yes at times I can be funny and somewhat intelligent, but for the most part I am just me, there is nothing about me that makes me any better or worse than the next person. Yes I have experienced a lot in a short life time. But I have not had to work through something unbareable, like many that I know. I have never had a life threatening Disiease and survived. I am not an honor roll student, I am just average. Why is it that he saw something about me that was special but along with everyone else, I dont see it? Wow, what a trip.
My heart was black, I didn't let people in, I didn't wan't to let people in. In fact, I may have hated all humans. My heart was dead and, either I or someone close to me allowed it to happen, and I didn't really give a shit about it.
Then something wonderful happend. I met Tim. He showed me that people can be wonderful, I just have to be careful. He taught me that I could survive life and be ok.
We were at Denny's again last night, he gave me my graduation gift. I fought back the tears barely victorious. He gave me a journal, and though I have had journals throughout my life, this one was different. I could see my life's story poring out on the page. I can't wait to get started.
Well, I am going to start getting ready for work, I have a headache so maybe I will take a quick nap too! :)
Then something wonderful happend. I met Tim. He showed me that people can be wonderful, I just have to be careful. He taught me that I could survive life and be ok.
We were at Denny's again last night, he gave me my graduation gift. I fought back the tears barely victorious. He gave me a journal, and though I have had journals throughout my life, this one was different. I could see my life's story poring out on the page. I can't wait to get started.
Well, I am going to start getting ready for work, I have a headache so maybe I will take a quick nap too! :)
Thursday, June 17, 2004
I have been writing a lot lately, I dont really know how good any of it is. I am going to share it soley knowing that no one ever reads this, so I may feel like I am opening myself uo and sharing with someone else. But in all reality I know that no one cares...
When you breathe
Everyone becomes wrapped in it
Anything that curiously wanders in your path
Soon feels nothing but chaos
You are unpredictable
And mysterious
You are wild
And in control of your destiny
At times, the cold you posses
Sends chills down a million spines
And yet, your times of warmth
Make many feel at ease
If I had the power
To be as free as you are
I would run havoc over the world
Nothing could hold me down
I would dance with the blue
Foam covered waves of the oceans
And run
With the wild mustangs in the desert
I would be calm one day
Soft and comforting
Then loud and uncontrolled the next
Moving rapidly
I envy you
I am jealous of your wonders
I want to be you
I want to be the wind
Shattered
Left behind in
The old building
Some kids
Thought it would
Be funny
To throw
Rocks
Against my fragile body
I can see inside
Couch is a mess
Torn and tattered
Housing bugs
Trash
All over the floor
Mice too
I can see the outside as well
Cold
Damp
There are no kids playing
No laughter
I see no end to the pain
That the rock
began
Just some stuff that probably doesnt even make sense. Thats my life in a nutshell though. No one ever understands.
When you breathe
Everyone becomes wrapped in it
Anything that curiously wanders in your path
Soon feels nothing but chaos
You are unpredictable
And mysterious
You are wild
And in control of your destiny
At times, the cold you posses
Sends chills down a million spines
And yet, your times of warmth
Make many feel at ease
If I had the power
To be as free as you are
I would run havoc over the world
Nothing could hold me down
I would dance with the blue
Foam covered waves of the oceans
And run
With the wild mustangs in the desert
I would be calm one day
Soft and comforting
Then loud and uncontrolled the next
Moving rapidly
I envy you
I am jealous of your wonders
I want to be you
I want to be the wind
Shattered
Left behind in
The old building
Some kids
Thought it would
Be funny
To throw
Rocks
Against my fragile body
I can see inside
Couch is a mess
Torn and tattered
Housing bugs
Trash
All over the floor
Mice too
I can see the outside as well
Cold
Damp
There are no kids playing
No laughter
I see no end to the pain
That the rock
began
Just some stuff that probably doesnt even make sense. Thats my life in a nutshell though. No one ever understands.
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
I just got back from the cemetary. Andy's tombstone was beautiful. I got there at about 3:30 and it took me about 45 min before I could write him in his journal. The tears are still falling. I miss him so much. I can't understand why God would take someone as beautiful and genuin as him away from the world. He was going to make a difference in this mest up world. I wish that I could just see him one more time. Hug him once more. Just tell him how important he was and still is to me. I think about graduating and going to college in the fall and to be honest I am not as excited as most, this is because I wish that I could share it all with him. God, I miss him so much, I feel like a part of me dies when I think of him. I wish that this pain would just go away. I know that if anything I should be excited about all that is in front of me, but I feel like I dont deserve it the way he did. He was something bigger, something amazing and I am just me.
Wow, It's definitely been a while since I have written, I am sorry to those of you who have commented and received nothing in return.
I stopped by Andy's moms house today, I was hoping to catch her, no luck. My stomach was in knots in the car though that's for sure. I left a note hopefully she will get it.
I got my tattoo for anyone who cares. That's why I wanted to see her. I wanted to show her that her son inspired me to live a life that most would cringe at and succeed. It may sound silly but I still think of him every time I get scared to try something, and his voice just pushes me forward. I miss him. Graduation has been hard, I think about him a lot and what he would be doing next year and stuff like that, he would have been wonderful at anything.
I stopped by Andy's moms house today, I was hoping to catch her, no luck. My stomach was in knots in the car though that's for sure. I left a note hopefully she will get it.
I got my tattoo for anyone who cares. That's why I wanted to see her. I wanted to show her that her son inspired me to live a life that most would cringe at and succeed. It may sound silly but I still think of him every time I get scared to try something, and his voice just pushes me forward. I miss him. Graduation has been hard, I think about him a lot and what he would be doing next year and stuff like that, he would have been wonderful at anything.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
