I am so excited on the way to see Hanna, she is wonderful, she knows just what to say and do to make me feel better when I am down. Since second grade, we have been through every phase together, brushing the manes on our My Little Ponies, scratches on our knees from skateboarding, and tears from our crushes on boys all happened together. I haven’t seen her in a few months, way to long for sisters to go without speaking. Driving down the highway, I don’t see the road, just her smile and images of us soaring on the swings when we were younger. We used to pick on my baby brother, keeping track of who could make him cry first.
My speedometer laughs at me as I pushed the limit by fifteen or so miles. I laughed back knowing that I wont get pulled over, today is just to important. I feel like I am jumping out of my skin.
When she came to the door, I couldn’t even look at her before she jumped on me. Her perfume filled my nostrils and my entire body warmed with her arms around me. A hug, I had forgotten how good those felt, especially from my best friend, but something in the back of my mind was telling me that this hug was different. We decided to go for coffee at our old spot. Driving there was a blast; noise from the homemade CD flooded the car.

“Another night another dream but always you, it’s like a vision of love
That seems to be true. Another night another dream but always you,
In the night I dream of love so true.”

When we got there however, all I could do was stare at her; I heard no sound from her pale moving lips. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t notice before. Vibrant, that is the only word that I could think of to describe the old her, running all over the place, making people smile, laughing that is the Hanna that I know. We would spend hours talking about how our family life was hard and we wanted to get out, we used to speak of college at nine years old planning the layout for our dorm rooms, we always knew that no matter who we became friends with over the years, we would always love each other.
The room seems to be closing in an inch with every word of her newfound obsession with pot and sex, all she wants to do is go out to parties and get drunk. The unn-commitmed one-night stands doen’t seem to bother her.
She used to have beautiful long wavy brown hair with soft blonde streaks, I was so jealous of her. Now, short, messy tanglys atop her scalp. I remember she used to look like she belonged in a tent on the beach.
Looking at her, she seems hollow, like she was just surviving life. Telling her tales of how she goes to party and live it up.

“…and the other night I was so drunk that I don’t really remember anything… it was so hilarious.”

I silently thought to myself for a while “yeah funny…” I said with absolutely no enthusiasm. I want to know what is really keeping her above water? Her eyes are sunken in; dark circles pull away from the beautiful green tint her eyes used to have. Her face is pale; this was odd because she is naturally dark. But her face looks almost yellow. Her cheekbones are no longer covered by the baby fat that we used to have even at 16. Her bones protruding through her clothes, that is if you can call the garments that covered her clothes, they looked more like the rags my grandma uses to dust the pictures in the hall. Hey, maybe those are the rag they do look pretty dirty.
I start wondering, while I watched her drink her coffee, cigarette in hand, smoke rising to the ceiling in wispy swirls. Is it the people who change in our lives that affect us, or the people who stay the same? Why is she this way and I am not, when we were little, every thing was the same. Now, I don’t know what to talk to her about. Its not because of how she looks, that is just the most obvious change. She just doesn’t care anymore, she wouldn’t mind if she lived or died.
Are the childhood memories, and experiences that Hann and I share what keeps me grounded? Or is it when she acts crazy and does what I only wish that I could, until I see her results, then quickly snap back to the morals I have trained myself to live by. I love my friend, she is not even a friend she is my sister for life, and sometimes I wish I could be her, but looking at her today, I didn’t see her there at all. It was like her beautiful energetic soul had to escape her drained body, and the struggle could be seen, the pain that she now feels is very obvious.
When it was very apparent that I had nothing to say, the empty coffee cup told me that it was time to go. I looked in her eyes one more time to see if any part of her was still there, my tears hiding behind my pupils, all I see is sadness, about life, about everything.
I made up my mind that day to never become that kind of person. Angry, bitter, full of pain. We all have our problems in life but I learned that day that if we don’t deal with our problems and just pretend they are gone, we would become empty. I love Hanna and I always will, but that was not Hanna, and all I feel for that girl is sympathy, but if Hanna ever comes back, I will be there to giver her the hug she needs. I also figured out why that hug was different, yet familiar; it was a goodbye hug.