Ok so yes, I have been avoiding my journal for quite some time now. There is however, a reasonable explanation. I have not wanted to write about my summer strictly because then I would see in print how fucked up it has been. I had been working my ass off to afford college, not even my first choice college but the safety instead. Working at Ruby's was kicking my ass. Pulling 16 hour days and having no time to just sit on my ass and do nothing.
About a month ago I came to the conclusion that there is not one decent person on this planet and also that I suck at life.... I don't understand why hurting someone can possible be justified in any situation, especially when it comes to a family member. What I think is worse is that Luke just sat back and let it happen. He found out about me and Andy, and what happened. I don't quite see how my older brother can possibly think that I would ever "want" to sleep with Andy. Not only is he a complete asshole to me and the entire family he is just plain gross. When I told Luke what really happened he said that it was not possible and that I was just stupid and put myself in a bad situation. This is where my problem lies. Even if for one instant I was all about having sex with that jack ass. Luke allowed his best fucking friend to use his baby sister for sex. That pisses me off. I have all of my 18 years up until that point saying no waiting for something worth a damn and Andy just fucking brushed that aside not caring... I fucking hate him and even more, I hate Luke for ever thinking that I would do something like that. He abandoned me during a time when I needed him to protect me the most and I will never forgive him for that. I haven't spoken to him since I left that night and I don't think I will want to for a long time. I have gone through a lot of shit in my life and I definitely didn't need to add this to the fucking pile.
I will continue my rage filled ramblings later when Corey doesn't need his computer until then I am gunno go sleep and by the grace of God not wake up...
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
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1 comment:
Hang in there girl!! There ARE nice people in the world.. I TRY hard to count myself as one of them.. ;-) But, I like the 'nice' word to be thought about carefully. it's usually a euphemism for boring, controlled, etc.. You know..
Anyway, I found you through your book likes. Modoc. I LOVE that book! Oh my God, what a heartbreaker.
You also have cool music taste. I dig that.
Also being a victim of abuse when I was a teenager, by a 'friend' of mine, I can relate to the anger. Don't do what I did, keep it all in. TELL somebody, there is something you can do. it isn't right, it's illegal. It's called rape. He can go to jail for that. He fucking well should.
Anyway, if you want an 'anonymous' electronic person to pour it all out to girl, I'm all ears. And heart. I survived. I am healthy. It can happen.
I send good vibes your way sister.. :-)
You can at least have the satisfaction of knowing you are a saner person than that shithead. That is what counts.
College is great, you'll enjoy it, now is the time to have fun! Look forward to a bright future. Live with passion.
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